i’m so fucking stressed. i cant keep crying but im fucking overwhelmed.
not just with school but with my stupid shitty miserable life.
and yesterday was fucked. emerson and i hung out. i know, im fucking retarded. well he kept begging me all week by texting me that he wanted for us to meet up and talk. we met up at a cafe/bar place in downtown. we met up and had a really long, long, long conversation. he told me that he misses me, that he cant get use to not having me around, that he regrets our falling out, that he loves me, and that he wants to be with me. like a real genuine couple. he swore that he’s breaking up with his girlfriend soon. and that he cant stand her. that he wants me not her. and i just sat there listening to him. and even promised me that he would break up with her today if i asked him to. i wasnt ‘impressed’ by if, if thats what he was going for, i thought that it was stupid. the whole conversation was him apologizing for putting me through all the shit he’s done to me, and begging to be with me. and then he asked if we could go back to my dorm and “make love”.
that just set me on edge and something in my head snapped and then everything went perfectly into place. and i saw the big picture. i poured my heart out to him. because i sensed that he was sincere. i told him that for along time i wanted him so badly that i forgot to mind myself. i had real feelings of love for him, and that contrary to what he believes im not a slut. i loveed him so i let him be with me, whenever he wanted, however he wanted it. but to him im this shameful thing that he cant even bring around his friends. even though he took my virginity. but i cared for him a lot so i didnt mind. and now im just a place for him to rest his feet, and give me all of his thrown away love. he doesnt even respect me enough to end it with his girlfriend before selling me all this bullshit that he loves me.
that is definitely not love. but i told him that i really wanted to end it once and for all. i didnt want him texting me anymore. not for any reason. i just kept thinking ‘the amish guy would never do this to me. ashton would never disrespect me like this. and i miss him now more than anything.’
and now i dont think ashton will ever fucking talk to me again. 🙁 and if he doesnt he’s going to think im a crazy indecisive bitch. 🙁 im fucking bummed because he hasnt replied to any of my texts or returned my calls. i hope he calls me because i miss him.
but then its like, ‘why??????? we cant even be together anyway, were going our separate ways soon enough.
then im scared as fuck about finals. and graduation.
and everything is going a million fucking miles an hour. and i just cant get my head to stop spinning.
i feel tired and exhausted and angry and scared and worried and miserable all at once.
i hope ashton doesnt block me out of his life forever. 🙁
but he probably will. i was such a bitch the other day when i told him we shouldn’t continue dating.
i feel like my only two choices are jumping off the fucking interstate or going to church. lol.
love is the fucking devil.
and im a fucking idiot.
i think emerson is fucking toxic and i shouldn’t ever see him again.
ashton is too good for me. and im a fucking idiot who pushed him away because i dont know how to be treated right. im fucking insecure and scared shitless of my future and i get anxious and start panicking and get depressed from it all. and iim fucking done for now. goodnight