today was horrible.
i just feel so fucking exhausted. i feel scared. tired. disappointed. heartbroken. angry. a big ‘fuck you’ attitude right now.
graduation is in 4 weeks and everyone is so fucking amped. theyre all so excited. im fucking scared. not because i have bad grades or am struggling with a class and worry i wont pass. nothing like that. im scared because the future scares me. i dont know what the fuck im doing. i mean….i kno im going to uc berkeley and im going to major in chemical engineering, but im starting to wonder if i made the right choice? i dont fucking know. i love chemistry and i love the sciences and i want a career in applied chemistry. but im also wondering if i will do well at berkeley or will i fail? im scared shitless of failing. im scared of not being able to keep up with the classes at berkeley. im scared of not being smart enough to succeed at berkeley. im just fucking scared shitless.
good new: amish guy loves me.
on a happier note, the amish guy called me back and we met up today. i shared with him why i chose to ‘end’ our dating etc. and i was honest, i told him that i realized the ugly truth that were separating during the summer, that its stupid to have a long distance relationship and that i dont want to ever do that. but that i really, really, truly liked him. and i told him thats why i had a knee jerk reaction the other day when i said we shouldnt continue dating. it had nothing to do with me not liking him.
so he smiled right away when i told him i really liked him. and he said that he understands me now. he said that he thought i didnt actually like him as a person or attracted to him. i assured him of course i did. but he told me that he wants to keep dating me, he likes me a lot, and he doesnt want to ‘seperate’ after summer. he suggested that we can work it out, and promised me that it would. and said not to worry about the future because its not guaranteed so to enjoy what we have now. and that no, that doesnt mean we dont have a future. he said to enjoy today for today and not want to enjoy tomorrow more that i ignore today lol. but he has a lot of valid points. at the end of the day he made me feel so much better. he also told me that if the future means we are seperated by distance then he’ll make the sacrifice to be near me or with me, because thats what you do when you love someone, you sacrifice for them. and he said that im that person for him.
he didnt actually say ‘i love you, skylar’ but even stacey agrees that its implied. and then he hugged me and kissed my forehead and just held me against him. i stood on my tippy toes to return the hug because he’s like bigfoot tall. and it was perfect. like omg. i wanted to cry. how is he so nice???? if he hadnt grown up amish, in that mentality/wayoflife/etc he would have been another fuck boy like emerson. lol. so i dont know where we stand. because were not official or anything. but i guess this means were resuming our dating? he’s so cute.
it would have been the ‘perfect moment’ if we kissed, but he hasn’t even tried to kiss me. at all. i wonder why????? 🙁 i know he’s a little bit more formal but we’ve literally been dating for nearly a month. and not 1 kiss???
he’s clearly not a fucking virgin, so what the hell? lol
anyway back to reality.
im fucking scared. im scared of being challenged and not meeting up to the fucking plate. christ. i know i sound like a scared little bitch right now, but thats because i FUCKING AM. im not trying to bitch. im not trying to fail. i cant fucking fail. but now i feel the pressure and its keeping up at night. i feel weak. i feel inadequate. i feel self conscious. i feel inferior. i feel the weight of my failures on my back, paralyzing me. and then i realize i cant fucking fail, success is my only opportunity. and i got to wake the fuck up , woman up, and handle my shit and no looking back. fuck. easier said that done, right?