back to reality.

today was horrible.

i just feel so fucking exhausted. i feel scared. tired. disappointed. heartbroken. angry. a big ‘fuck you’ attitude right now. 

graduation is in 4 weeks and everyone is so fucking amped. theyre all so excited. im fucking scared. not because i have bad grades or am struggling with a class and worry i wont pass. nothing like that. im scared because the future scares me. i dont know what the fuck im doing. i mean….i kno im going to uc berkeley and im going to major in chemical engineering, but im starting to wonder if i made the right choice? i dont fucking know. i love chemistry and i love the sciences and i want a career in applied chemistry. but im also wondering if i will do well at berkeley or will i fail? im scared shitless of failing. im scared of not being able to keep up with the classes at berkeley. im scared of not being smart enough to succeed at berkeley. im just fucking scared shitless.

good new: amish guy loves me.

on a happier note, the amish guy called me back and we met up today. i shared with him why i chose to ‘end’ our dating etc. and i was honest, i told him that i realized the ugly truth that were separating during the summer, that its stupid to have a long distance relationship and that i dont want to ever do that. but that i really, really, truly liked him. and i told him thats why i had a knee jerk reaction the other day when i said we shouldnt continue dating. it had nothing to do with me not liking him. 

so he smiled right away when i told him i really liked him. and he said that he understands me now. he said that he thought i didnt actually like him as a person or attracted to him. i assured him of course i did. but he told me that he wants to keep dating me, he likes me a lot, and he doesnt want to ‘seperate’ after summer. he suggested that we can work it out, and promised me that it would. and said not to worry about the future because its not guaranteed so to enjoy what we have now. and that no, that doesnt mean we dont have a future. he said to enjoy today for today and not want to enjoy tomorrow more that i ignore today lol. but he has a lot of valid points. at the end of the day he made me feel so much better. he also told me that if the future means we are seperated by distance then he’ll make the sacrifice to be near me or with me, because thats what you do when you love someone, you sacrifice for them. and he said that im that person for him. 

he didnt actually say ‘i love you, skylar’ but even stacey agrees that its implied. and then he hugged me and kissed my forehead and just held me against him. i stood on my tippy toes to return the hug because he’s like bigfoot tall. and it was perfect. like omg.  i wanted to cry. how is he so nice???? if he hadnt grown up amish, in that mentality/wayoflife/etc he would have been another fuck boy like emerson. lol. so i dont know where we stand. because were not official or anything. but i guess this means were resuming our dating? he’s so cute.

it would have been the ‘perfect moment’ if we kissed, but he hasn’t even tried to kiss me. at all. i wonder why????? 🙁 i know he’s a little bit more formal but we’ve literally been dating for nearly a month. and not 1 kiss??? 

he’s clearly not a fucking virgin, so what the hell? lol 

anyway back to reality. 

im fucking scared. im scared of being challenged and not meeting up to the fucking plate. christ. i know i sound like a scared little bitch right now, but thats because i FUCKING AM. im not trying to bitch. im not trying to fail. i cant fucking fail. but now i feel the pressure and its keeping up at night. i feel weak. i feel inadequate. i feel self conscious. i feel inferior. i feel the weight of my failures on my back, paralyzing me. and then i realize i cant fucking fail, success is my only opportunity. and i got to wake the fuck up , woman up, and handle my shit and no looking back. fuck. easier said that done, right?

5 thoughts on “back to reality.”

  1. Oh my gosh. Your past few days have been just chaotic!
    Slow your roll girl and just go with the flow!
    I know that doesn’t mean shit because, trust me, I know about the anxiety and how it fucks with you. BUT
    Focus on Ashton when you get upset! I’ve found that always worked for me when me and my husband started dating. BTW Ashton sounds dreamy and such a gentleman!
    Plus, you won’t fail! I gots the faith in you!

  2. aww thank you sooo much <333
    i HATE how i cant seem to comment on your journal 🙁 wtf
    how are you doing? 🙁 i can only imagine what your days are like now without blue :'(

  3. You are welcome ❤
    I hope all will go well for you ^-^

    Yeahhhh i don’t understand that at all. Maybe GNJ uses the favorite author thing as a block otherwise I have no idea why it won’t let you write on my entries. Kinda pisses me off. -,-

    I’m doing as well as I can. My days are really rough. I only had him​ for three months after taking him from my mother in law and I bonded with him so much and he became one of the only things to keep me going on with life. It’s a struggle… I hate coming home because the only way to get into my driveway is to drive on the spot where he was hit. Looking out windows makes it worse because I see it happen over and over. It mentally fucked me up. I am just trying to survive at this point.
    But thank you for asking and caring❤

  4. awww im so sorry. i wish i could give you a tight hug. :'( poor blue. at least he’s not suffering any longer. 🙁 he looked so handsome and just a lovely pupper by that cute picture of him. it makes me so angry that fucking cunt …… i know he wont get away with it. he won’t. even if justice comes later, but he wont get away with it. im sorry, i dont want to make you even more sad by talking about this but i hope your days get better. rip sweet blue. :'( i wish i could comment on your journal. i think im going to make a new one so i could comment on yours.

  5. Thank you. It’s okay…I need to really let it out some days. I just allow a few tears here and there because it usually hits when there are people around and not many think I should be crying over him. A lot of them were happy he died because he did bite me when we first got him. Whatever.
    Yeah that fuck is going to get it sooner or later. I am to be sure of it. I have so much hatred for him. Ugh.

    Oh no don’t make a new one! You have so much on this one. If anything I should make a new one haha I don’t have a whole lot on here besides sadness lol

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