Day 4

Today I was with Jade. She and her family always give me their opinions and I am not even interested in hearing them. And Jade is still so bossy.

My family and I got into a fight today. It was huge. Just as big, if not bigger, than last summer’s fight over where I should leave me clothes. My dad kicked me indirectly; he kicked the chairs next to me twice in shove me and my chair. I just stared at him while he did it. He’s a child. I did talk back, but I am not tolerating being treated as less than a person now. My mom said he is my father. I said if Logan kicked me she would murder him, so why is it any different that my father is kicking me? She couldn’t disagree with that. She said there is something unique about the way I argue that induces rage from my family members. And that I speak as if everyone else were wrong. I can see that and I don’t disagree.

I feel so bad for my mom for having to deal with all this. She goes through a lot too. She’s super stressed about her job, because they’re inadvertently pressuring her to quit by relocating her. Apparently she had a panic attack at work today. When she went upstairs to talk to my dad after me and her had a heart-to-heart, I could hear him raising his voice and yelling. I didn’t want her to do that though I am grateful. I just want her to sleep and rest and focus on herself. My dad is an asshole. He kept trying to get me to stop resisting him by saying “Your mother is very stressed!” Well buddy you kicking me and throwing a fit and tossing objects around isn’t really helping her. We always have to tiptoe around him. And he never apologizes to me. 

I hope my mom is okay. I wish I didn’t stir the pot. I just didn’t want to tolerate this anymore.

The hard part of the next few weeks is not caving in to being nice to my dad. He always expects things to be normal without addressing any issues.

So today was a hard day. Angel kept cutting in to my discussion with my parents which made the atmosphere hostile in the first place, and making me upset when I was already annoyed from my day with Jade. I took a walk. I came back to hear my sister and Dad upstairs listening to music loudly, laughing, singing, talking. So nice that they feel nothing after making me feel like a piece of shit stuck on the bottom of one’s shoe.

I forget if it was last night or the night before, but I was on chavaiz’s tumblr and for fun i searched “chris”. I saw an ask he answered about who it was easiest for him to speak to or something. And he said logan/chris. I guess he had to have meant me, i thought maybe it’s another Chris. I wish we were better friends. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. We used to be close. 

If Logan and I weren’t on a break I’m sure I would have told him without much delay about my fight with my parents/sister. I’m kind of glad i dealt with it alone though. I almost think his response would have stressed me out. I’m not sure how I feel. It would have been nice to rant to someone, but there’s a chance he wouldnt have understood, only emphasize and ask me if i’m okay. Maybe next time something happens I should consider not telling him until after I’ve processed it. Maybe the reason why i’m considering this is out of fear that he wont respond the way I want him to, which may make me angry at him again.

I forgot to mention. When I argue with Philip, Angel likes to take his side and make me feel like a left-out, excluded kindergartner. She jokes and laughs loudly with him and is extra sweet and petty towards me. She did the same with our dad today. I thought that was really low of her. I am sorely reminded that i cannot trust her. I have considered several times about telling her about my birth control, but I am glad i kept my cards close now. I sort of regret telling her about my break because she doesnt deserve to know now.

Tomorrow I intend to finally do laundry and find my retainers. And wash dishes. Today I deposited my cheques, got birth control, and got a gym membership. Perhaps i’ll go tomorrow.

I don’t want to see Jade anytime soon. I keep holding on to my relationship with her but she always brings this feeling of exhaustion, annoyance, and sometimes low self-esteem. I don’t need that.

My fight with my family makes me wanna leave my house. For a fleeting moment, I even angrily think that I want to go to France. But this also makes me want to stay even more. I can’t leave my mom and brother if our family is in this state. But on the other hand perhaps we’re only like this because of me? That’s what Angel always says. 

If it makes me mom less stressed, then I had better not go to France. I love my mom enough to stay for her. I had better lie low for the next couple of days. Just go to the gym and take care of Robin. Keep the house cleaner. Be nice to my mom. Steer clear of my dad.

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