I’m stuck in place….and so is my Kadaj

 It’s been one week and four days since I lost Blue. If you are tired of seeing the same old from me, please feel free to stop reading at this point. Your annoyance means nothing to me. 
It’s been very hard these past almost two weeks. Coming home and looking out the windows only makes me see him and the awful way he left this world.  The visions are all I see when I close my eyes…Which in turn has caused me to not sleep. 
Within the time he has passed away, I believe I have slept a total of 5 hours. It isn’t all that great for my job to be tired as I work nights.  My anxiety keeps me away from people and my job involves looking after people..so Nights is my best choice to stay away from them as much as possible. 
Though… Even in my haze and high functioning and lowering depression, I managed to get out this weekend while my husband worked.  I picked out lovely flowers for my beloved BlueBear<3  Pretty blue flowers. 
Heh…Fuck. I can’t believe I still break down just thinking or writing about him. I only had him for three months, but Blue became everything to me.  My big handsome man. 
My other dog, Kadaj, Blues mother….ugh… My heart hurts worse for her.  She’s become so depressed after seeing Blue get run over… She knows he’s gone and if I could post the video of her crying…You can hear her sobbing for her little puppy. 
She waits for him every day by the garage, where he liked to sleep.  She gets excited when we open the door and she runs in to see him.. but he isn’t there…and then the crying happens. 
Kadaj is losing weight…I’m fearful she will pass away from a broken heart. I try my best to help her by being with her all the time and cuddling with her, but it doesn’t seem to help since she feels the pain I carry as well. 
We sit at the side of the road, which the farmer hasn’t come by lately…, and we both just cry. I don’t know how to help her…because I can’t even help myself. 
My husband…he’s having a worse time with his mother going to be passing away soon and he has to deal with his feelings and try keep a brave face after him and his mother finally planned out her funeral and deal with the loss of Blue also….but he’s always comforting me. I always try get him to talk about his feelings…typical man… ‘Nothings wrong”.  He knows how I am with my animals and a lot of how I feel about his mother for abusing Blue…..so that’s probably why he won’t talk to me…
But…the way Blue died has me so mentally fucked.  I can barely see him without seeing his death as a first thought. I’ve never seen an animal actually be killed in person….I still can’t believe people are so cruel in this world. 
There has been so many times within the two weeks that I’ve just wanted to end my life so I didn’t have to suffer seeing it ever again or feel how horrible of a pain it is to have witnessed it…but I have others to take care of. Which….is the only reason I haven’t offed myself. No, I’m not saying this for attention.  I’ve been miliseconds from being dead in the past. It’s the reason my husband now locks up the firearms, and he hates it because since we live in the country…if it’s locked and he has the key and he is not home, I have little to nothing to defend myself.
Fuck.
I hate that this has affected me to this point. It’s…something I can’t get over. I stopped driving my vehicle because Blue died in the back of it.  I smudged my SUV with sage to rid of the negative energies, but it doesn’t help.  I drive my husbands old 79 chevy now.  It’s loud and it helps me not think. I like that I can’t think when I drive it, besides thinking about how much force I have to use to turn the steering wheel or constantly looking at the gages just because I’m paranoid. 
I’m stuck in this fog and I’m going to be lost in it for a very long time.
Without my BlueBear I am lost…
I need to find out when I can go get his ashes from the vet…
I hope he likes what I plan on doing to his grave…..

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