What’s wrong with me!?

I miss him too much these days that I end up feeling stressed, I know it’s because I feel lonely. In the past, he was there with me even if he made me miserable most of the time but his presence changed everything, someone to talk to, someone who made me feel emotions.

I’m not fooling myself I know he hurts me and that I’m better alone than with bad company but God it kills me I feel a pressure to fix myself cause I’m afraid that I will keep repeating the same mistakes and go back to the same cycle. If I open the door because I hate to be alone and want to feel loved for a moment, even if is a lie I want to close my eyes and let go just to feel something good instead of numb. I want to talk and laugh with someone, do stuff that friends or lovers do, share ideas, have deep conversations or just stare at each other for a long time, make love all night and fall asleep in the warmth of his arms.

I want what he represents to me but I also know better it was an illusion I was never liked or loved for who I am and that hurts me deeply, it makes me wish my life was the illusion, that someday I will finally wake up from the nightmare and see that I have a good life.

I dreamed of him two times, not for long but enough to stay in my mind, I was so lucky when he didn’t appear in my dreams, now he lurks in my mind all day making things worst. I am afraid of my feelings even if is just dreams if we kiss or interchange looks my heart flutters and I am not sure if is because I am still in love with him.

I suppressed my feelings for long leaving anger, disappointment and hurt that I thought I didn’t love him anymore but now I am unsure. I fear to see him face to face and notice that I’m still that girl who fell crazily in love with him.

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