I have to ask myself some questions before I can end my side of the break. I feel that I am growing from this break. I am really focusing on myself, who I am, what I want, what I need, what I want to be. I am growing, though the growth is obviously slow and very gradual.
If I were to be with Logan, would I grow? Have I been growing when I was with Logan? The answer is in the past few months, not really. I have grown in the past year, but that was mostly due to being in second year of university and dealing with my friend issues (the whole Rachel/Isiah/Quinn shebang. Goal-wise, I feel I’ve been stagnant, which isn’t anyone’s responsibility but mine, but if Logan and I get back together and I feel he is still not listening to me and valuing me, then I will not be able to grow. Rather than focusing on myself and his growth, I would be focusing on damage control and trying to keep this relationship together again. I understand that in marriage, a lot of the marriage can be spent on trying to maintain it and preserve it, which isn’t necessarily a waste of time. But I keep reminding myself that I am not in a marriage. I am so committed to him, but if I don’t prioritize myself while I am this young, then I will be doomed to a life of halves.
I think it’s safe to say that one of my requirements is that I am able to grow if we recommit to each other. I want to give him room to make mistakes, so I will take it upon myself to not always go to him with my problems (not immediately, anyway). I’ll first process and deal on my own more. This also allows him a bit of a break and more chances to get it right. One concern of going to him less often is that if he does continue to mess up on the occassions that I do go to him with my problems is that I will trust him less and less, and eventually not want to confide in him at all. That spells trouble. So the onus is on him for that one.
I recognize that over the past year and more, I have become increasingly irritated and impatient with him when it comes to paying attention to me and responding the way I want him to. There have been so many instances where I felt unheard, have had to repeat myself an insane amount of times, and times where he didn’t stick up for me, that I can become very quick to call him out on not responding to my tect fast enough, or letting one thing turn into a lecture on everything. It stresses him out and he says it makes him scared to talk to me. Though I feel I have very valid reasons why I became like this, and that I have been extremely patient overall with him, I do agree that I am becoming toxic. So I suppose I need to stop being so quick to pounce on his mistakes. I struggle with being more patient with him, but on the other hand I need to demand respect and action from him because I will not let this slide anymore. His mistakes are always at my expense. But whatever. I’ll need to prepare myself for even more patience when/if we get back together.
Another thing I want to do differently if we get back together is to avoid having any sort of disagreement over text. It never ends well. He doesn’t read properly and I always get angrier over text than I would in person or over the phone.
He also needs to stop repeatedly saying sorry over and over. I hate it when he says it more because of his anxiety rather than giving a proper, full apology. I’d much, much rather him explaining how he understands and what he will do to improve rather than “i’m sorry”. I also do not have the patience for him to insult himself while he is apologizing. It ruins the entire apology and makes me feel guilty that he feels bad, when I am only trying to fix things between us and hold him accountable. I should not have to push away my hurt, sadness, and anger to console him for something he brought upon himself.
My dad and I have not said a word to each other today, which I am perfectly fine with. Angel and I were talking, and she kept calling me a bitch. We were talking about something irrelevant and she kept changing what she was saying. When I pointed our the inconsistencies of her words she would deflect and call me a bitch and completely reject what she just said and change her answer, and insist that she never said certain things. It’s reminiscent of Trump’s arguing style. We weren’t arguing heatedly and I kept laughing at the stupidity of it to keep things civil but I don’t know why she keeps calling me the most useless member of the family and how stupid and what a bitch I am. I never insulted her or anything. We’ll be watching a TV show or movie and she’ll point out the most annoying character and say that I am that character, so bitchy and annoying and selfish. She says it light hearted enough so that we aren’t starting a full blown fight over it but she’s quite serious. I’m tired of it.
If my dad doesn’t apologize I don’t know if I’ll speak to him. I know he’ll try to be normal but I don’t want to give in to thay. But if I don’t, then i’m a bitchy grudge-holding petty daughter. At this rate, even if Logan and I get together i’m not sure if we can go camping with my family anymore.
Logan tweeted a bunch of stuff today. His dad did something on the cruise and made Logan sour. His dad can be childish sometimes and a lot of the time, parties and trips and dinners are ruined. I am notably not a huge fan of his dad but I wish I told Logan more that I understand because my family is the exact same way sometimes, and my dad is also childish. There have been so many dinners, camping trips, car rides that have gone from happy to absolutely hostile in one moment. Maybe I feel strongly about his dad because I know what it’s like firsthand.
I’m considering showing Logan these journal entries when we meet up to discuss the break. I’m hesitant to show him because a lot of these entries have been largely negative and don’t really show the times i’ve missed him or remembered something happy or felt positive moods about our relationship. I watch his snapchat stories earnestly and check for any signs he’s not okay. I keep an eye out for his tweets, even checking his private twitter sometimes. I enjoy his messages on the chat because he seems normal. If he were to read these entries I feel like he’d be hurt because of the brute honesty of my thoughts. He might feel not good enough for me or that I don’t love him. There is a quote, that goes something like “It is the mark of a true thinker to entertain a thought without agreeing/consuming it”. And if he does read these entries, I want him to know that he is a feeler and I have always been a thinker. I would be really concerned about the way he feels about me if he were writing about me like this, but he should not question my love or commitment to him when he reads these entries. I know how to discern my concerns and thoughts from what I feel. I will admit, it’s been sort of hard to remember how affectionate I am towards him and how soft I am only for him. It’s hard because our relationship during April was strained and I was struggling each day, and now with this break we don’t speak. It’s been a while that we’ve been in a rough patch so it’s harder to remember the good things. But i know i do still love him. That has not changed.
I have thought of this scenario a couple times – where I want to work things out after our break, but he surprisingly wants to end our relationship. I wonder how I would react. A part of me muses that I would be very calm and detached and accepting. But I suspect I only think that because of how distant we’ve been lately. I also speculate that on the contrary, I will react with confusion, aggression, and maybe even panic. I think I may try to reason with him and try to prove why he should stay. I can see myself accepting defeat and becoming really angry and insecure and lash out. I’ve never been through a break up so I literally have no clue what I would think or feel. I think I would also be embarrassed.
If we do break up down the road, I think I would want us to break up only on the condition that we’ll try again later when the time is right. Perhaps that wont work though. I think i’d be really jealous of the next person he dates. I would wonder what they have that I dont, and what he gives them that he couldnt give me. I think that would be the worst part of breaking up. All the thoughts after. I’ll have to delete him if we do end things, because I wouldnt be able to handle it.
I keep speaking of hypotheticals of if we break up, and if he’s reading this i dont want him to worry. Again, I am just a thorough thinker. I analyze everything. I consider all possibilities. I even find enjoyment in hypotheticals of us breaking up just because I find it interesting. It helps me discover more about myself and him, and us. It helps me understand. So if he’s reading this and he’s alarmed by how much I think about what happens if we break up – don’t be. It seriously means nothing. You always knew i think about these things in great depth and detail. You were always scared of the unknown. I see it as an acquaintance.
It’s late now, past 5am. I also really have to pee because I drank an entire small iced coffee. I don’t feel jittery though, surprisingly.
Oh by the way Logan, if you’re reading this. I had a dream last night (as always) and in one of the dreams you were in it. I don’t quite remember what happened in that one, but I thought maybe you’d be interested in knowing.
After our break and we decide to work things out, if things are awkward or clumsy, don’t worry. We’ll find our stepping. I would be very surprised if we were 100% comfortable right away.
UPDATE @ 5:21am: I reread this post and realize i say “if we break up” “if we get back together”. I think we will get back together, but i dont like dealing in absolutes. I also cannot foresee any changes so I dont want to set myself up for disappointment. That’s why i keep saying “ifs”.