Lose

I first wanted to write the title as “lost” but accidentally wrote “lose” instead. Lose actually seems more appropriate. I have fought for what I thought was a dream life, with a dream man, and a dream… just a dream. In reality, I have sat for 15 years fantasizing for something that never was, in fact, it never came to fruition in any form of what I had pined for. For the last five years of this fantasy, I have sat, alone, in my apartment, waiting. I cried, laughed, moaned, and begged… believed. 

The affair crushed my reality (dream). The affair took my once hopeful little fairytale and lit it on fire. I’ve been crouched in fetal position in its wake since it happened over two years ago. Was it even an affair? He was sure to put as much distance between us as possible. States, hundreds of miles, between us. There were times that even calling on the phone or a simple text message resulted in a “I need space” response. I felt clingy, desperate, and scared… even more so in the middle of healing from the indiscretion. 

We both had them, I was not an angel…. though I never told anyone else I had loved them, I had never promised a life and a future to anyone else… I had not planned a future. Even as I write that, my heart breaks all over again. I had to read his words to her… the same he spoke to me. I have never experienced such a betrayal… and by someone who I had loved and chased since before I ever had my first kiss. He was sure to never commit, was sure to never give me long, was sure to keep at arms length and always keep me hungry for more. 

I gave up every ounce of social life I had. Nearly 30 years old and without a single friend outside of him. For longer than I care to admit, I’ve cried on a nearly daily basis. I have come close to ending our relationship but I always held onto “what if”. I always held onto fantasy. I loved him so entirely, I wanted to believe it could be. 

I found myself planning to cash out. I found myself cowardly wanting to end myself. I felt I could not bare the pain of ending it and ending everything I fought for. I now feel so defeated. I cannot stop sobbing. I cannot look at myself. I loved him. I gave up everyone for him. I loved him so much. 

He had zero consideration, was endlessly selfish, possessive, and jealous, so much so that I mirrored it right back. Being smothered in jealousy will do things to you. I have turned into a mad woman, crazed and blinded by fear of what he may be doing. His drugs destroyed his life and I have patiently waited for him to piece it back together and find his way back home to me. I have waited in the dark and swallowed his words, half believing, living in my fantasy. 

He is still there, still unemployed, still not a single step closer. We made this decision together over five years ago to give this a shot… and he has not budged. I have spent half of my 20s waiting on him, engulfed in my own fantasy. My self confidence, self worth, self respected has dwindled. I do not recognize myself anymore, I find it hard to talk to people anymore. I do not have a single soul to talk to. I do not want to do this anymore. 

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