After i decided to rise above it, it got way worse unfortunately. Makes it harder to avoid being reactionary. Maybe I was reacting for a day or 2. He and I both were…hunkering down in our safe place and self medicating, for sure. Its hard to cope with stress that overlaps into multiple sectors of our life. Work, our kids, our social life, our future, our family. Crazy people have a powerful way of infiltrating all aspects of you so that they can totally control and manipulate you. Its certainly not over yet, not by a long shot. but i think we are on the other side of the eye of the storm. Theres still damage to survey. And probably residuals from the initial onslaught. Oh, it aint over yet.
I can’t believe we haven’t had a single sentence of conversation since that Monday blow out. I don’t care if i never talk to her again. but I’m sure i will.
Work was great yesterday but i got way way way too fucked up on accident. I think cuz i was overly tired. It all did take my mind off things, the second thing being baby #3. I don’t want to obsess, and i don’t want to get my hopes up. Unfortunately I think my hopes ARE up right now. In moments, I can be realistic, that the odds of this particular cycle resulting in a pregnancy are super slim. Im not even taking good care of myself lately. Why would such a small amount of sperm result in a fertilized egg when my eggs also probably suck right now? I need to take some vitamins.
I have had 2 different types of conversation with him regarding this. One of them was so good. I probably won’t be able to forget it! Or at least, I don’t WANT to forget it. He talked about this third child as if it was a thing that was actually going to be happening. He said he was 70% excited about it. 30% didn’t want to do it at all because he was content with our family the way it is. When we got into a different convo about it, he said he wasn’t 100% sold on the idea yet and i needed to keep that in mind. I get that. He’s not 100% but he is 70% and I can live with that. I believe in my heart that it will happen at some point. Obviously I’m wishing it would be this cycle, but knowing it probably won’t be.
This cycle would result in a late January baby which I think would be perfect for us, with Tarpon season aka his busiest, most away season, being long enough after that time frame. He said if we were having another baby he would want to be a part of it, and wouldn’t want it to happen when he was busy and gone a lot. The busy time for him is March-June with the peak time being April. If we have a baby in Jan/Feb then he will be able to be a part of it, and we will be totally settled with everything when the time came for him to be gone longer periods for work. He could be home the whole month of Jan without much work to do. But in Feb he will have some work to do….but not traveling. Most of what Feb will entail for him is daytime 9-5 type work. I don’t want to wait until next cycle because then we would be due to have a baby in the middle of march! And he won’t be able to be home and committed to us during march.
I should prepare myself to NOT try (and actually prevent) pregnancy that would result in a march, april, or may baby. June would be ok. Let me work this out……if this current cycle is a bust (I’m in the TWW now) and we conceive during this next cycle, baby would be due valentines day (-ish). That would be fine! If that doesn’t happen, our next possible baby would be due mid-march which won’t work as well. It would be OK if he was on his own and not working for the company anymore……but if he keeps his current job then this probably wouldn’t be good. However…..they have been talking extensively about relief guides and therefore the plan is he would have relief and be 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off with the travel. They could plan it so he would be home for 2 weeks with me if we were having a baby. But still, he would have to leave after that and he wouldn’t want to. But honestly they could work it out. Next season they should have several more people on the crew to cover them so they don’t all have to rot out there for 4 months straight with no relief.
So as of right now though…..if this cycle is a bust, I can try next cycle. But after that, we would need to have a serious conversation about timing. In order to SKIP a baby in the months of april, may, and june, i have to wait until october to start TTC again. I would have to skip TTC in june, july, and august. This is pretty important actually. I know P won’t want to take time out of peak season to have a baby and it would cause turmoil for our family.
But the longer we wait, the farther apart our kids are in age and I feel, the harder it will be for us to get back into the “baby” swing of things. I mean right now, we have a kid thats still wearing diapers/pull ups at night and still sucks on a bottle when she’s tired. Yes she is 3 but she is still much a baby in our eyes. If i have to wait until october to TTC, then my older daughter will be about to turn 7 or will actually be 7 by the time we had another baby. That seems crazy! A 7 year age gap? 🙁 makes me sad. But this is our situation and we have to weigh all the possibilities 🙂