Today at 5:00, I am supposed to get my scores for the students with disabilities test and the part 3 of the multi-subject. I know I passed the part 3 already, but I don’t know about the sped test. This will be one of the factors I take into consideration when making a decision about what to do about moving back. If I fail it, then that’s a reason to move back. I am just really aggravated with how difficult it has been to get my certification here. I have never had such a convoluted bunch of bullshit to deal with. I hate that I don’t find out about that English test until June 14th. Ugh. I will have to have decided by then, I would say. It’s not like I think I could study and do better. I have no clue what to even study. If I failed it, I would just have to take it again and hope for a better outcome. At this moment, right now, I’m not feeling moving back. I am not going to contact anyone else in Fayette County. If nothing comes from the job with Daryn, then I am staying here. I do feel like I have a better attitude about working since I’ve been here- I’m not thinking about just counting down years until I can retire. If I go back to Lexington, I can live in an apartment much cheaper than I could live in a house. And, I would have nothing to fix or anything to worry with. The only thing I don’t like about that place is the no washing machine. I hate not having a washing machine.
Richard gets here in 2 days. I have changed my mind about a million times since he planned his trip here.
Last night, I dreamed about Brent. I hadn’t done that in a long time- and I dreamed he was looking at me, so lovingly, with so much love in his eyes, saying that he cannot believe he pushed me away for so long, that he fought us being together for so long. I don’t know where that came from. I have given up on that. And even in my dream when he was saying all that to me, I was looking at him, thinking, okay… but now I’m not sure that I even want that, anymore. So weird.
Later, that same day…
So, if I go back to Lex, I am going to live at Steeplechase Apartments, I think. I really don’t think I want to live long term without a washer and dryer in my house. If I decide just to rent forever, then I want to have a washer and dryer. It really does make sense to live in an apartment where I have a pool and nothing to take care of. Why the hell not? The only thing I’m not sure about is if there is a balcony/outside space at Steeplechase. I think I want a balcony. I really like Tates Creek Village the best if they just had a damned washer and dryer. Hmmm… I will have to think about it. Maybe I don’t have to have one. It may not matter, anyway. I am only going if I get the job at Daryn’s school. I have to do that. The opportunity to get paid on a Jefferson County salary schedule would make me at 81K next year, and that job would be so easy. I could easily do it for 10 more years- so making all that with no supplemental crap. I could save money and go on good trips over school breaks. I wouldn’t even have to worry about Sophie because I could just take her to Noah to watch while I was gone. Moving is such a fucking nightmare. I can hardly stand to think about it, but at least I don’t have a lot of stuff to even move. I am going to rent a minivan again and take all my clothes and shoes with me- that will mean WAY fewer boxes. I will just put them in garbage bags. I just can’t miscalculate how much room I will have in the van because my moving truck will already be gone when I load my stuff up.