Day 6

Logan messaged me today. He thought that I was buying G-Dragon tickets the next day when I actually buy them Friday. He asked questions about things we’ve already gone over, so I told him it seemed like he was messaging me because he wants to talk to me, not to clear things up about the concert. He said that wasn’t the case. I got sort of ticked off because he messaged me again, when we agreed not to speak, and this was something we already spoken about so it wasn’t necessary. I felt guilty after, and a couple hours later i suddenly missed him and wanted to talk so I impulsively messaged him an apology. He replied later saying it was his mistake. I said alright. 

I wanted to ask him what happened yesterday that made him upset with his dad. I don’t think I will be asking him until our break is over though.

I was thinking a lot about racism within the asian community. I often feel offended when non-Korean people try to act and speak like us. Is that not bastardizing, fetishizing, glamourizing, accessorizing, appropriating my culture? 

However, when non-East asians do it, does that make it okay? They feel pressure to be more akin to East Asian countries. So perhaps I should not be angry with them when they try to be like me, because it’s the product of their suffering. But i also feel that it doesnt justify it in some aspects. I find that a lot of Filipinos are into kpop and are koreaboos. But I dont think Korea has ever colonised the Philippines. So we have never historically forced them to be like us. A counterargument for that is that some Koreans do look down on Filipinos, so i am not justified in being indignant if Filipinos accessorize my culture in an effort to conform. 

Sometimes I wonder if Logans father dislikes me because he holds the old Japanese notion that Koreans are dogs and are subhuman. Obviously I dont think he thinks of me as a dog, but perhaps he judges me more harshly because I am Korean. 

I learned a lot today about these topics.

I don’t think there is much else to write. I started the gym again today. My abs are sore. It felt good. I saw around 3 people from high school. It’s weird. I was hella ugly today too so sucks.

I also ate a banana. It’s out of character for me but I actually enjoyed it. I’m trying to be healthier these days.

I wonder if I should end the break. Maybe today was just a slow day in terms of making progress on my stance on my relationship with Logan, but maybe i’ve figured out most of what I needed to figure out? I need to get over my thing with Comparison, but I think it’ll take longer than a break to get over it. Plus, I don’t think it’s something I should do alone. Logan should be supporting me about it. i just need to remember to be calm, let the bad thoughts bounce off me, and if it gets to me, then i need to stop speaking to Logan and focus on me. If i run into problems with that, then i’ll deal with it from there on.

Even if i feel that my side of the break is done, i think i should wait at least until Sunday or Monday to call it off. Wait till he gets back home. I also wanna give myself time to get cold feet about ending the break before prematurely announcing its end.

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