It’s not the end of the day but I’m writing because I feel bad. I was wstching Scrubs and the narrator described someone as that “cousin you have funny feelings for”. That made me feel shitty for obvious reasons.
Now that I think about it, he retweeted something from the night of the US election. “trump winning in the cousin-fucking states”. How can he even make fun of other people when he is guilty of it too. Granted, not blood-related, but still.
Yesterday I was writing about how I thought that maybe I wanted to end the break. I can handle thoughts about not hating Comparison. I can tolerate having to tolerate them. But what really shakes me is the thought of how gross and weird it is that Logan did that stuff while he apparently liked me too. How the hell do I ever not feel like a second choice. How do I ever know that nothing will ever happen between them again.
I don’t know if I can ever get past that. I honestly think I need to go to therapy for that. They will never leave his life. It wouldn’t have gotten this bad if Logan had just stepped up when it mattered, chose me, and stopped trying to avoid talking about it especially when I need to. Maybe if he stops fucking this up I’ll heal and not have to feel like this.
He asked me to heal during this break. I don’t know if that’s something I can do alone. Even if I can it’s going to be a long fucking break then. So I’m gonna bite the bullet and not try to completely heal before I end the break.
I guess if he still fucks up and refuses to help me, I have to break up with him. The hurt, fighting, paranoia, low self esteem, is not worth it. I’m gonna walk away if this doesn’t work. If he was really scared about losing me wouldnt he have wisened up by now? Like jeez. How much more constructive feedback and holding his hand through our fights is it gonna take for him to just do it?! I dont wanna do that shit anymore. I told myself i’d renew my patience before ending the break. But I’m not gonna give myself endless patience. That just wouldn’t be fair to me.