Finally today I have given in to the Knight. I have chosen my path. The Lion obviously likes to use me for that ego boost that he needs from time to time. I wasn’t a click bait friend. I actually took the time to listen and was there for him. That has long passed now. I know where the universe is pushing me. I have closed down my dating site profiles. I’m just done. What else should I do when the one that got away came back? Grab on with both hands and enjoy the ride. I don’t think he’s used to how I am though. Give it time. Though he has done little things that say 143. Things like not wanting me to go out drinking. He knows about my past and drinking. And I think between drinking and being out with another guy makes him nervous. Just one of those things. For now I’m just going to enjoy the ride and see where it goes.
I managed to help him out this week so that he wasn’t behind until he got paid again. I have no issue with this. It’s just money. Soon enough I’ll be more comfortable. I have chosen to move back to Florida and made it happen. In fact I had it done in 24 hrs. That’s how sure I am about wanting to do this. There’s more than simply that the Knight is there. That’s a perk of course. Though I have to say that it’s not the only part. There’s far more to it. I’m also actually excited about this.
As for the Lion, I will always love him. There will always be that part that will belong to him. Though I have to stop being that crutch. I know he fears being forgotten or left behind, but it’s time for him to understand what he did to me. It’s time for me to forget and leave him behind. To stop being the one that’s always been there for him when he needs something. It’s not a matter of that he could ever honestly be my friend or anything. Hell, he still can’t even manage a voice phone call with me. Heaven forbid that he would step out of that. It’s how I know that I’m just here for when he needs me. Not that he had anything more than that. So I’m going on with my life. He was back crawling all over his Match profile. I happened to notice before I shut mine down. I have no need for it any more.
So here’s to the new road ahead of me and where it goes. Strange that once more I’m the gypsy that I’ve always been. I will say that the Knight and I have made plans in a few years to visit SF and the area. He’s never been, and I would like to show it to him. It also gives me an excuse to see some of the few friends that I did have there. Show him not only the city, but up through where I was and even Ft. Bragg. I know he’ll love it as much as I did. I’ve even offered Phoenix as well. I have that property out there so why not? I can check that out and then drive the couple of hours. It’s strange to hear myself making plans. Then again the Knight has always known me to sometimes act like a 5 year old. He always let me get away with it and seems to still do it. It might be that he shares that at times. That same sense of adventure but like me it’s better with someone to share it with.
I’m still not sure what we are, but I like it. I like that it just seemed to appear. He makes me smile and laugh. Those things I haven’t done in quite some time. He lets me be myself and I can be comfortable around him. I can say the stupid goofy stuff that I do and he either shrugs or laughs.
Today I declared that I’m taking myself back and I have. I finally see that what the Lion did was nothing but destroy that which he will never in a million years understand. That or he wanted to destroy it because he’s always been jealous of it. Well, here’s to being jealous of a lot more as the years pass. I won’t block and delete him. I want him to watch every minute of it until he can’t take it anymore. While he’s chasing it in everything he tries to find to watch it fall apart. He’s seeking that which will never be found for him. The sad part that I will always know, he will always do it to himself. He has in the past and he will keep being that self defeating. He can’t stand to be alone while I have found myself and so much more being alone. I’m not fully healed. I won’t say that, but I know that I’m enough that I can keep going. I don’t care where the road takes me, but it always goes somewhere. The Lion was always the one to say that it wasn’t the destination, but the journey. I’ve never stopped being on that journey. Though yes, I would love to still put down some roots somewhere and stop moving all the time. I just keep going until there’s nothing left. He had said that he doesn’t know how I do it. Wandering with no sense of direction or destination in mind. That’s actually quite simple. I’ve been on the road so long and constantly moving that the destinations all blur together. Sometimes I just enjoy watching the world pass by. I’ll know when it’s time to stop for a while and that’s why the move is on the horizon. It’s not yet time to stop moving. When I get there, then I can stop for a while and enjoy it. I know that in time the universe will move me along when it’s ready. It’s what I find when I get there. With his narrow vision of things, he’ll never understand me. I’ve done all that I’ve wanted. I’ve done all the things I said I would. I’ve had more experiences than most. Now it’s a matter of finding what’s still out there. Just this time I think I have someone along for the ride.