I never have the right words

So you want to know what it’s like to be me? How I manage day to day with major depression and anxiety? Let me let you in on a little secret… I don’t manage. I mostly struggle. My day to day life is hard and even sometimes unmanageable. But even if I can’t manage it, I have learned to mask it exceedingly well. I mean for gods sake who wants you taking care of them if you can’t even take care of yourself! Not everyone who suffers from one will suffer from the other, but they go together greatly hand in hand. Let me try my best to give you a small insight on just how a fraction of my head works. So how do I explain to you what it does to me, how it affects me? Well first off did you know that anxiety is the most common mental health condition? Yes it’s a condition it’s not a problem or a disease. And it affects each individual differently. And there are so many different variations and degrees of it.

To be honest it’s hard to pinpoint or communicate what it’s like to have this disorder when you don’t fully comprehend it yourself. Just know that it entails more than just ‘being worried’. So many associate anxiety with just being a worry wort and over thinking things, but it is so much more intricate than that. Of course we worry, but who doesn’t? I seem to worry about things a little differently, on a different level than you would. For a ‘normal’ person being with a group of people who are just conversing together would not be a big deal at all, right? Wrong. For me that group of people, no matter who they are, may it be my family, friends, coworkers, or strangers, is already making me feel uneasy. I have at this point already shut down. You will find me fidgeting with my hands or something in my pocket and I most certainly am no longer making eye contact all because I fear that I might or have said the wrong thing or that I may not be perceived correctly, or I could just be standing there beginning to panic because I have these thoughts of what others are thinking about me. Or just being in a room with other people at times will send me spiraling down. And this can be in a room with people I have known forever and even love. I feel as though everyone is staring at me, all eyes on me. I’m constantly worrying about what others think about me, and if you are together and you’re talking it’s obviously about me. This, this is a normal everyday part of life for me. It doesn’t have to be in a room. It can be anything from walking into a room, to going to a store, a public event, and sadly even a family gathering. The saddest part of all is that I can jump to the worst conclusion possible straight from the start. Things such as ‘I need to tell you something’ ‘I need to see you in my ______’ ‘I need you to call me’ and ‘Hey listen, I’ve been thinking’ and so on make me automatically panic because I fear what might be coming next.

An attack? It can be a limited incident or can cause a full blown panic attack. I wish I were one of those people who could just calmly talk themselves down, and breath through it, do the whole in through the nose out through the mouth types. But I’m not. I am the good ol fucking complicated, broken, and insecure Cyndi. If I’m going to do something I might as well do it right. Please don’t think this is a thing that happens everyday, as it’s not, but it does happen more often than I would like. I don’t know if it’s a fortunate or unfortunate thing but I do have medications I take regularly and others on a PRN status to help keep my feelings and attacks in check. These attacks are hard to explain honestly. Sometimes it might just be like you are fear struck momentarily and it passes soon enough. Most of the time my heart starts to race, I get fidgety and panicky, my breathing pattern changes, I feel like I am in slow motion while others are moving at increased speeds. It’s kind of like running a race but never leaving the starting line.

Sometimes life sucks and I have to learn to deal and cope. It’s hard to do that when you worry about things on a deeper level than others and way more often than others. Sometimes it’s like an impending doom looming over you and you worry about everything thing. So having sever anxiety feeds a lot into my depression and in turn my depression then feeds into my anxiety. It’s a never ending cycle. I am a roller coaster and there is no way off because it never stops or slows down. I wish I could explain to you better what it’s like or make it easier for you to understand, but I can’t seem to get the accurate words to come out. I don’t know how to explain most of the feelings or the amount of circumstances that lead up to any and all of this. Just know that it is a battle against myself that I am constantly fighting. I don’t want you to look at me differently or feel differently for me because I am different than you. Just know that my mind is just like yours, except mine has much more color, sparkle, and darkness to it. And maybe one day I will learn to be okay with that fact that I am so different than others.

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