All day I’ve been excited to come sit and write. To share and finally get somethings off my chest. So in entry 1 I said I would tell you how I became who I am today. So here is something about me: I have major trust issues.
Surprise surprise right? I know you’re thinking a lot of people do. I know a lot of people do. But it’s not just trust issues with men, friends or family. It’s with myself too.
I would say around the age of 6 or 7 I remember feeling like I was in a different head space than most kids. I honestly feel like in some ways my intuitiveness has always robbed me of a happy childhood. I always knew when something was off. I could read body language at a very young age. And I knew how to construct thoughts that explained exactly how someone was feeling. And I would feed off of that energy so much. So if someone was upset I would be upset with them. This eventually turned me into just angry all the time. I had no cap on my emotions and was so closed off to my parents they had no idea what was going on up there. I would just feed off of other people and it was so strange I couldn’t fucking control it. I still can’t. Imagine that. 21 years old and you can’t fucking control feeding off others emotions. So I stay inside my little apartment with my cat and my dog and my best friend.
I can barely make it through my shift at work without feeling emotionally drained and a mind exhausted to the point of going through the motions to get myself to bed so I can almost be free and hopefully dream a good dream. This is why I don’t trust myself. I can’t get it together in my head. I can never make up my mind. I want to love someone else so much. I want to have a reason to want to stay. To know that I’m worthy of someones love 100%. To wake up with my love and drink a coffee together and have breakfast. And in 55 years to wake up and still be doing that together. I want what should be simple just to be loved. And then again I feel so demolished I never want to be touched again. I know I’m not the only one who struggles with that fight.
I don’t completely lack trust in my family. They have protected and provided for me. Recently however I have felt jilted. Like not only do I not fit in with society but I really don’t fit in with the people I shared a home with for 17 years. I’ve always felt that way though. Never did quite take to who my father wanted me to be. My parents were thick as theives so if my father didn’t pay any interest to something neither would my mother. Sports were and still are his passion. I was never interested enough. Too busy being fascinated with the sky and the stars. So strange to have the people that brought you into this world in the same house but not really know one another.
Friends? Where to get started? Being a girl is never easy you have standards to withhold and if you don’t you’re a loser. Then the boys don’t like you because the “cool girls” make the rules. It’s ok though. Didn’t have a shot anyways. One of the only mixed children in the school district doesn’t make you popular in a pretty much all white school. Being fat slims those chances down to like nothing. But something always hurt me deeply when I stopped being friends with someone. I swore loyalty to someone who casted me away in the blink of an eye. And around 5th grade I stopped trying. I stopped trying to have friends and kids stopped trying to be my friend as well. I started sitting by myself, wanted to do group projects alone, and eating lunch alone. Embarrassed when an adult would approach me and ask if they could sit with me while I ate. Having to much anxiety to even go get and ice cream not wanting to be looked at or shamed for eating more. That’s when I knew I was an outcast. And I acknowledged that. I would go to the library for recess or if I had to go outside I would draw with chalk as far away as I could just to spare myself any mean comments or snickers that I could. Loyalty is a very big deal to me. And it took me a very long time to find that.
I have no idea why I’m crying. I guess its the first time I’ve ever been honest. Do you have any idea whats it like to walk across an entire cafe of kids. And not being able to sit with one? It’s a feeling of absolute rejection and to this day I don’t know the real reason why. Now I do it with my head held high and without a thought.
Let’s talk guys. Obviously from above you can probably guess it took me awhile to date. And it did. I was 16 when I had my first kiss. I feel like most of the other girls were already on their 3rd or 4th boyfriend, especially in my town. I’ll never forget it either. It was with a boy that I met online and our parents had no idea.They thought we knew each other from school but they dropped us off in a little park in the center of town right by a library. It was this time of the year (May) and I’m from the country side so it was gorgeous outside and the ducks swam in the pond. We sat next to each other in a gazebo. And I was so shy and quiet, I mean I still am like that, extra because this is the first boy to ever show interest in me. I’ll never forget when he asked to kiss me. I almost shit myself. I said ok and bam it happened. My first kiss not the shitting. Just like that. We started dating pretty shortly after. Went to prom together and then he dumped me a few weeks later. I cried but it just didn’t hurt like I expected it to. It hurt because I wasn’t expecting it. I remember crying thinking ‘I’m not even hurt though’. So then I was just bummed. And being young and dumb I thought every break up would feel that way. So once again a few weeks later I started to talk to a guy online again and his name was Kelvin. I’m about to say I fell in love but I can’t even describe to you how willing I was to do anything for him. He lived in another state not too far maybe 4 or 5 hours from my doorstep to his, if that. But we were both young and had no way to see one another because no way in hell would either of us be able to tell our parents we met online. Plus being in school limited us as well. So probably a hundred late night phone calls and a gazillion texts later we just decide to be in a relationship. And this was on and off for a month here and there. And then we stopped talking altogether for a few months. I turned 17 that September and had decided to graduate early (nothing ever really changed with those dreadful brats). This was 2012 and I would graduate June of 2013. Wanna talk about lonely? Talk about a senior who has no friends. Anyways a week before I graduate I get a text from Kelvin and we started talking all day every day again. And it was never a question on how much I liked him it was always other things in the way. He helped build me up and love myself because finally I had someone that promised me he would never hurt me. And for awhile he didn’t.
I moved out of my parents that July and in with a family friend. So here I am 17 never been out of a small town with one traffic light to moving to a downtown inner city area. It was crazy. He was all I had. Things were just not well in other areas of my life. This entry is so long so I’ll skip all the lovey dovey shit. Jump to about November of 2013. Kelvin after over a year of talking on the phone, we did FaceTime for like 15 hours a day, and texting too. Comes and sees me. Things go really well when we actually meet for the first time. He brought me flowers and I can honestly say it was one of the best moments of my life.
This right here is why I don’t trust guys. A week later he calls me and tells me he needs to talk. I run upstairs excited and shut my door. I sit on my bed and I hear him say “I have to be honest with you about something.” My heart hits my stomach and I knew this was not good. But his promise rang in the back of my head. He would never hurt me. He told me then that he slept with an ex the night before because he was drunk and how sorry he was. When I say I feel like someone shredded my mind and heart I mean it. I immediately slid off my bed to floor crushed and crying with my phone over my ear and my hand over my mouth. I begged him to be joking and got an apology in response. Embarrassed I asked to never speak with him again and ended the phone call. So here is the one person I clung to so closely to keep my head just above that water pushing me off to the middle of the ocean and I don’t know how to swim. Every shred of confidence I mended together with the help of his love vaporized instantaneously. And I didn’t love for another 3 years. Instead I threw myself into the nearest arms that would catch me for the night. Nourish me for a moment and I would run out in the morning hoping to never feel that agony again. I was so scared to love. Never felt like enough for anyone. And this took the cake for making me feel like a big piece of shit. Fucked me up until recently. He moved on quickly and was dating by like January of 2014. I remember seeing that on his Facebook and I just really shattered. I was honestly broken and lost.
And for my next entry I will tell you about someone I was recently involved with that once again has made me question all of these things. Please leave a comment if you love it or hate it. Give me advice on how to write and suggestions you think will make me more interesting. Link your posts below and I’ll read about you too. Stay tuned for entry 3.