I’m still not okay

To the Person Behind the Mirror,

The night I met JG, I was going to kill myself.  It was the middle of the night.  I had a bottle of pills.  I just kept staring at it.  The pain was more than I could handle.  I needed it to end.

Let me back up for a minute…

Do you remember I told you my husband left me, before we were married?  He left me for another woman.  I spent several months sleeping on my parents’ couch.  There was a bedroom and a bed available but I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t “move in”.  So I slept on the couch.  And I didn’t shower.  Or eat.  I kept myself busy logging into his bank account and looking up where he and the other woman were eating out and thinking about how happy they must be together.  A new couple, so in love they were willing to destroy someone’s life to be together.

That night I had looked at the bank statement again.  They were out on a date again.  And there were the pills.  I had access to a lot of pills.  All kinds of pills.

But instead I decided I had one more thing to try.  I wanted to go out on a date.  So I made a profile online.  I described myself as a loser with no friends who had been dumped recently.  Then I went to sleep.

Later that day, JG messaged me.  He saw my profile.  We had gone to high school together.  He said he had also recently had his heart broken.  Did I want to go get Denny’s?  I showered for the first time in 3 weeks.  We went to Denny’s.  He was nice, he was smart, he was funny, he was also sleeping on someone’s couch.  He kissed me when we said goodnight.  I had hope.

It didn’t take long before I started to feel afraid of JG.  I can’t explain why.  Something in my gut told me I should be careful.  One day, he told me that I should change my profile because it was the sort of thing that attracted predators.  I remember wondering if JG was a predator.

Then one night, way too soon, things got physical.  Too physical.  I was uncomfortable.  I was scared.  I could tell this was headed in a bad direction.  I went home and told the man who is now my husband.  The man who left me for another woman.  I told him I was scared of JG.

He yelled at me.  He implied I was a slut.  That was the last time we talked for a very long time.

I kept seeing JG and all my fears came true.  He used me.  One night he told me he loved me and I felt terrified.  We had sex because I was afraid to say no.  I cried the whole time.  It hurt so bad.  I remember the rain on the windows and feeling dead inside.  I kept seeing him.  I kept sleeping with him.  He wouldn’t use protection.  I was terrified of him but I couldn’t stop thinking about the bottle of pills and the agony of being alone in the middle of the night.  It turned out everything I was afraid of about JG was true.  He was a predator.  He did look for girls with profiles like mine.  He had at least one other girl he was doing this to at the same time.  But I didn’t know how to escape.  I just let myself die inside so I wouldn’t feel anything.

My husband could have prevented this.  He was the only person I told the truth about JG and the way he made me feel.  My closest friends had no idea.  My mom had no idea.  I wanted him to save me but he didn’t.  It’s hard to let that go.  I know I should let it go.  But…

This was hard to talk about.  I’ll write again.

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