caffeine.

If I’m honest, I know I’ve been depressed the past several days. Like the cyclical dark cloud has descended. I hate admitting that or acknowledging that at all, because its not me and I have no reason to get that way.  I feel it lifting today though, for sure. But its still hovering just out of sight and it could come into view at any moment if I don’t take charge of it.

I probably feel something missing now that my friendship with J is over. I hate admitting THAT one, because like P says, “good fucking riddance” and its “not a loss” and I know that’s true…its for the best…but that doesn’t make it much less hard. There’s still an empty space that someone used to fill, and reminders of her everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE. I saw her for a moment today and seeing her has less effect on me than not seeing her. I’m just nervous when I see her, her car or whatever. I don’t want to run into her (I haven’t yet, which is unbelievable. She must be avoiding me like I am avoiding her). But when I think of what my weeks used to look like, they were much more full. I have been filling the gaps with a little bit more work shifts, but not enough due to my lack of childcare. Today I am caffeinating and cleaning which is a thing I am trademarking 🙂

Later this week I’m going to do a playdate with some ladies that always do playdates on Thursdays and ive done it a few times before, but don’t usually. One other day this week I’m going to set up the paddleboard or canoe and get out there by myself. That’s the thing I miss most. Every day me and J would be on a boat, a paddle board, a canoe, wading by foot….anything. We were on the water literally everyday. The only day I wasn’t was generally Sundays, on which I spent the day with my parents after church. Now, I am inside a lot more because P is working and can’t take me out like he did the first two weeks he was home. I should be way way way more productive because I have no excuse, but the truth is I don’t do too well with so much alone time. When I’m with people I am better. Too many days in a row alone leaves me completely unproductive. My kids don’t count 🙂

I am completely uninspired. That leaves me tired and unmotivated. So the dark cloud descends and I lay around and watch documentaries on Netflix too many days in a row. Or snort Xanax with my husband and drink. GREAATTTTT.

My husband wants me to train for a 1/2 marathon. I told him no-fucking-thanks. He said its the perfect time for me to train and I need something like this. he reminded me that his running journey actually changed our lives completely and he’s right. But running isn’t for everyone and its certainly not for me!

Back to cleaning. 

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