Entry 6 (Conflicted feelings and things I want to say to an ex)

Written May 5th or 6th: There’s really not much I want to say to my ex. I’m refering to my ex as J. I know he is my cousin and he’s 30 years older than me, but my counselor said that it’s pretty much like a breakup because we were so close. But if there’s anything I want to say to J, then it would be just to have normal conversations with him again. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but right now I am actually texting him. And we’re talking casually, about normal stuff. That’s all I want. Just to be able to talk to him again. I don’t need to be talking to him, given that what’s happened. My friends are saying that I shouldn’t talk to him and that I should block him on everything. But I’m stubborn and I’ve been talking to him anyway. I haven’t talked to him in months, though. This is the first time we’ve really talked in a while. And I’m enjoying it. It’s like I’ve forgotten all about what’s happened. It seems like I’ve forgiven him, and maybe I have. I’m not quite so angry with him anymore. After all, part of what happened was my fault too. So I can’t be too angry at him. It’s been months since we were supposed to receive a call from Harris County. I’m not sure what was supposed to happen, but I suspect that they intended to arrest J. Absolutely nothing has happened to him in the past few months since it was addressed. I don’t know if I should feel glad or annoyed that nothing has happened yet. Part of me wants to fix our friendship and then another part of me never wants to speak to him again. It’s the strangest feeling. I love him yet I hate him at the same time. I want to see him and I don’t. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to face him again if these conflicted feelings continue. 

Update: I’ve still been talking to J. I told him that I missed our friendship, and he said we’re still friends and nothing has changed that. I suppose we’re still friends, even despite that I felt as though I’d lost him completely. When I texted him for the first time in months, he said he thought I hated him. How awful that must have made him feel, not hearing from me for months and thinking he was hated. But why should I even care about that? He did something very inappropriate to me and I’m so glad I decided to stop it before he did it all the way. Why do I still love him? He’s a pedophile! But I suppose it could have been worse. I could have been much younger, but I’m 17. I was 16 when it happened, though. He’s still telling me to keep quiet and act normal. He said both of our lives depend on it. And he keeps telling me to delete all of our calls and messages, which I am. 

I’ve been upset again. I miss him and I crave his love once again, but not in the wrong way. I miss his hugs, his sweet voice and his laughter and our good times together. If I do ever see him again, our friendship won’t be the same…and it pains me to think of it that way. I get jealous when I see him having a good time with someone else other than me. How foolish and self-centered of me. But it’s how I feel. He made me feel like the most loved and special person alive. Now I don’t have that anymore. I feel like I’m not special to anyone at all. And that…hurts more than I can say. 

Dear J: I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. In fact, I still love you too much and I think of you every single day. Every day is a struggle without you by my side. I know you said you will always be there for me and you have. Even after all this time without talking to you and with you thinking that I hate you. Even so, I still feel like I don’t have you. I would love to have you again, but I don’t need you. I’m sorry, but after what you did…I don’t need to be put in that situation. What you did was wrong. I never thought that you, of all people, would ever think of getting yourself into a mess like this. You don’t know what’s happening. You’re completely clueless and if you find out…you will hate me for lying to you and telling so many people. I’m disappointed in you, J. Why did you do this to begin with? Again, I still love you so incredibly much and I miss being with you. I miss clinging onto your arm as we went places, I miss your warm hugs, I miss going on all of our culinary adventures. I misyou. I miss how we used to be. I honestly hope to see you again some day if nothing happens to you. You meant the world to me. Still do. You have got to be the most loved person I know. So, I’ll see you around J. Goodbye.   

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