5/9/2017

I don’t know why I don’t write daily anymore. Perhaps I could argue that I can’t find time for it because I do a lot of studying, but I really don’t. It’s just that nothing worth mentioning really happens lately, or it does but I’m not motivated to write about it later in the day. How am I supposed to stay motivated with everything that’s happening around me? Well, with, at least, what I think is happening. I do not like to complain, but since this is my diary (perhaps the only thing that I can call mine with confidence), I’ll complain all I want.

There’s not one thing that hasn’t agitated or made me sad in some way in the past week or so. The thing is that most things that aggravate me make me sad, but some things only aggravate me. All I have left at 17 years of age is feeling sorry for everyone but mainly for myself, anger, hopelessness, and this void that I try to fill by having sexual fantasies, eating way too much sweets, or putting a ton of makeup on, then taking pictures of myself and deleting 73 out of 74 of them. The only thing, and I’m being completely honest and sincere right now, no joking or sarcasm; that could fill the void and keep it full for the rest of my unpredictable life would be love. What a disgusting word, right?! People my age don’t even know what it means and they use it all the time. I’m not saying that I know what it means, it’s just that I know we don’t know what it means, and I don’t use it, but they do. Maybe what I’m looking for isn’t love, but I know it would be the clingiest relationship ever, neither of us could spend a second without each other, we would be like one. Is that healthy? No. In today’s world it isn’t. Well, at least in today’s modern cities and countries. You have your job or school, and so does he, and, because you’re both insecure, paranoid fucks, you both think you’re cheating on each other. Of course that all fucking relationships fail eventually. But if we were on an island, or somewhere where we would do nothing but love each other and treat each other like gods, it would work out. And it would be the best thing in the whole world that has ever been. That’s, of couse, utterly unrealistic of me to even think about, but why the hell wouldn’t I?

I have two assignments that I didn’t do for tomorrow, and a Latin test that I’m not at all prepared for.

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