May 9

Logan has messaged me twice while on the cruise, visited without warning, and messaged me twice again when we resumed our break. I pretty much flipped out at him the most recent time. I forgave him all those times and was willing to work past it (though not without an angry reaction initially) but the last time i lost the patience for it. I restarted my end of the break. I just did not want to speak with him.

He tweeted “downhill”. I imagine he’s having a hard time. He didn’t even apologize the last time though. If i’m being homest i dont feel sad that he tweeted that. There is a part of me that quietly asks “Is cutting him off really going to help him learn?” and i want to kick myself for even having that thought. God forbid I lay down the law and stick to my guns for once in my life. God forbid I grant myself the space I need.

He can text me when his side of the break is over again. I find it very telling that he had to restart his break. It just goes to show he only came to visit me out of emotion, not because he figured out what he needed to, which I explicitly warned him against.

I restarted my end of the break because i was not in a state of mind to forgive him and gather up the will to talk issues out whenever he was ready. I needed time to recover from his continual messaging and surprise visit and emotional toying.

Today I went to the gym and library. I ran hard and borrowed a book which I started today. I also took a nice shower and played ukelele with my sister. I hung out with my brothers, made Robin and myself some dinner. Today was still hard on my mind but it felt good to focus on myself and feel like I was growing.

When i saw zephra and sabrina, i learned that quinn has been spreading this version of events: at his party, I apparently was talking bare smack about r*chel and that everyone was heroically ganging up on me for it. of course that is entirely false. He failed to mention to zephra how he would harrass me and stalk me online, and he called me a cunt and stupid bitch that night. Interesting how he omitted those facts. I was pretty sure i did not talk shit that night, as i made a point to try to make small talk with rachel and not to bring her up when she left. But i wanted to be sure, so i messaged some friends. Three people who were at the party said that i was indeed not shit talking, and at most i just expressed my disagreements. Quinn also said that he doesnt like how politically correct i am and when i call him out on not being pc. My response to that is, i guess he can resist criticism and invitation to be open minded all he wants if he doesnt feel the need to be a decent person. He also said that i subtweet him and unfollowed him on twitter. It is true i unfollowed him. Why that is a problem is beyond me. He doesnt tweet anything; he only uses twitter to keep tabs on people and lurk. I dont recall subtweeting him but if i did then womp womp. If the boot fits then he can have it for free.

Chavaiz messaged me anonymously on tumblr asking me if im okay. I wonder why he cant just come off anon and talk to me. i know its him, and im sure hes aware i know. perhaps he’s uncomfortable with speaking to me on such a personal level but just wanted to let me know someone cares about me.

My dad and i are still not on speaking terms. I want to say i’m fine with that but i’m really not. i wish he would apologize so we can get over this. perhaps i’ve made mistakes too, but honestly thats what kids are supposed to do. any parent can expect their child to fuck shit up and make mistakes. and i didnt do anything life threatening. what he sees as disrespectful is to me, just self respect for myself. if i had a heated disagreement with him big fucking whoop. doesnt mean he can kick me and not acknowledge it.

Earlier in this break, i was deeply concerned about my relationship with Logan but i knew inside that we would try to work things out. Now, i am not so sure. He shows a blatant disregard for the boundaries we set and of what I ask. His reasons are always well-meaning but after the first many times i dont care too much about intentions. He needs to respect me, period. I have accepted, entertained his intentions far too many times. I would like to ask for one damn thing and have it granted to me without question, for ONCE.

I wonder if i should end things. Even after i showed him my journal entries he still went and messaged me repeatedly! Like how dense….

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