Something I don’t understand:

Journal prompt #3:
I don’t understand how Charlie can say he loves me like he does. I don’t get it at all. I know he loves me a little because of all the time we have spent together and I know he cares for me the way any person would for someone that gave birth to his children…but love me? I don’t get it. He has spent the majority of our marriage making me feel unwanted and unwelcome. He wouldn’t hold my hand. Ever. Not even if I grabbed it on purpose in a way that would be obvious if he let go. He would slip out of my grasp or be stupid and hold my wrist high in the air. It wasn’t funny. He wouldn’t kiss me. Aren’t you supposed to want to kiss the person you love? I always wanted to kiss him, but after long periods of being made to feel unkissable, I stopped trying. I literally thought there was something wrong with me. Something that made me gross. He would let me hug him and wouldn’t return the embrace in any way. Not lift his arms, bend down to make it easier….nothing. Just stand there until I got done trying to have some type of connection with him. He never wanted to go out with me. He wanted me to ride shotgun while he ran errands because he was bored, but not take me on a date or do anything just us. Always with the girls or with Sunday School or the occasional family event (if he was participating that day), but never on dates. Anniversaries only. He would make fun of how I looked. Believe me I have enough self-image issues, I really don’t need you picking on my for my big nose, or hairy legs or saggy boobs that you mistook for my stomach. And also, you out weigh me by 200 pounds. You really don’t have much room to be critical. And guess what, I never said a word about your weight. You talk to me in a condescending and critical way. Why do you have to be so ugly?!?! I know the TV is on and you are busy, but you are never unbusy…so when are we supposed to talk? Never. Gotcha. This is just the tip of the iceberg. For our entire marriage. I stopped wanting you to be with me years ago. You say there were no warning signs but I say that’s because you are incredibly unobservant and you don’t listen. I told you you are hurting me. I told you my feelings and self-esteem are crap. I told you these things. Multiple times and in many ways. I stopped wearing my wedding rings like 6 months ago. You noticed. Never said a word until I brought it up and then you said you thought I stopped wearing them in protest. Why would you think that if you thought I was so happy? I stopped asking you to go anywhere with me about a year ago. The answer was always no and I dreaded going anywhere with you anyways. You made me so miserable the whole time. I tried to stop having sex with you. That’s not something you can cut completely out, but maybe I should have. I certainly haven’t wanted it in years, really. Why would I? You hardly bring your A game. You know how to get me off because you know me. I could do that myself, honestly. I crave a connection that you’re not interested in. If you can’t kiss me while we are being intimate, why in the world would I want you?!?!?!?!?! Your doses of public humiliation have made me die a thousand deaths over the years. All so you could look cool. But you looked like an ass and I looked like an idiot and felt like one too.
So, I totally don’t understand how you can love me the way you do. You realize you told me you love me maybe 10 times our entire marriage. Now, it’s everyday five times a day and I just don’t care. You don’t destroy the people you love. You told me that I was a happy person and you were miserable and that bullies pick on happy people. You said that tearing me down made you feel better. Where is your great love in that? I can’t find it because it wasn’t there. If it was, then you need to know that I rarely saw it. I saw occasional affection in your oil changes. I saw consideration in my Christmas presents. You taught me very well how to live without you. So I don’t understand your sudden devotion. I don’t understand it and I don’t buy it and I don’t want it and I dislike it. That’s what I don’t understand.

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