I feel as if i start most of my entries in this way but it’s the truth. I haven’t journalled in a long time. Today is more of a spontaneous attempt at getting the inner storm out there.
I didn’t know i had anxiety for the longest time. I felt it daily and was constantly fighting back with the new thing i had conjured up that week. I found i went from project to project just to give myself a focus that wasn’t IT. I also spent a large period of time in the pattern of running away. Disappearing to a friend’s house 100s of miles away, urgently booking the next holiday, planning that big day out that was going to be the best day. I always felt that, that project, that holiday, that event was going to be the day or event that IT went away. It was always going to be a fresh start. It was always a new beginning. I think i lived this pattern for a good few years. Whenever i came to the point that the new beginning should have started i felt myself descending from the high. It was like i were falling and knew it was happening, could feel the fear and disappointment, self loathing, comfort eating, anger. But it happened anyway, and the pattern started all over again. The searching, grasping for something to hold onto. Lashing out, blaming everyone.
When i lost my uncle to Cancer everything came crashing down. I don’t want to say too much about that point but i had PTSD as well as the anxiety and didn’t know what was happening to me. I crashed and burned. I got through it.
Now I’m at a point where i still want to run but i don’t. The need for a new beginning is still there. To start all over again. To change the past. If only..
I have accepted that my anxiety is part of me. It’s the voice in my head that screams my regrets. It tells me i can’t do it. It tells me I’m a failure. It tells me i shouldn’t exist. But i fight back with everything in every atom of my soul. Fuck you! You won’t win! I will smile! I will be better! I fukin will be beautiful! I will be loved! Fuck you!
Wow i just typed all of that so fast, it came flooding out..
The feeling when my anxiety creeps in is one i now know and recognise. When the heart rate increases ever so slightly as if you are getting angry and then it hugs you and spreads through your chest like an evil venom. I push it away, mentally grabbing it in my fist and throwing it far far away. The night times are the worst.
Right now, a week before my period it is at its peak. I hate you!
At the moment #mentalawareness is everywhere. I see it on the TV, i see it in articles, and I see it all over social media. Those stories of people that didn’t win. Those people that lost their lives fighting. I will not be one of them. They keep saying get help but i know no one can help. You can only help yourself! I’ve done the talking. I’ve done the sitting with the feeling. I’ve tried the medication. I’ve tried the positive thinking. I will never stop fighting!
One particular message that speaks the loudest to me amongst the #mentalawareness campaign is that society is very accommodating to physical illnesses they can see. Of course you can take the week of work for that bad back. Of course you must see a specialist for that odd lump. You poor thing how did you twist your ankle. But illnesses of the mind? They take so much more to be considered of some importance. Oh your feeling tired all the time? Have a coffee. Oh you feel a bit down? Go watch a comedy. Oh you can’t stop crying? Must be near that time of the month. But.. You want to kill yourself? OMG! Dam right omg, why should you get to that point before people get it! I think people do worry about the stigma of it all, i am one of them. None of my family members know about IT. Most people i speak to and see regularly don’t have a clue. But I’m still one of the lucky ones because 2 of my close friends know. They are enough.
Recently one of the main reasons i haven’t journalled is because i found another way of venting. I was watching a movie about a guy with multiple personalities and one of his ‘things’ was video journaling. I thought wow, why have i never thought of that. So then i did it. At first i found it really odd staring at myself on the screen and talking to who? Myself? Then i found it a bit sad. Do i have no real people left in my life that i can talk to? I’ve resorted to talking to a dam camera. But i got over all of that and found it made me see myself. Like really see myself. We don’t realise in a world filled with smart phones and digital devices, taking selfies constantly that we have actually stopped looking at ourselves. It’s as if we have become so accustomed to digital images and videos we forget that those are real people. Well i saw myself. I saw mannerisms i didn’t know i had. I saw the emotions. I saw the turmoil. I saw the low and i saw the high. It was rather surreal. I found it has helped me log my emotions in a more instant, free flowing, and unedited way. I do love it.
My other tool against IT is exercise. I have only recently started hitting a fitness routine hard. I have already lost 5 pounds. I found myself starting to get a bit obsessed with it and started wondering, could i ever develop an eating disorder. Truthfully i don’t think i ever could. I’m too self aware and love food too much for that. No my goal is to feel better about myself, get healthier and keep this bitch anxiety at bay while i do it. The doctors told me a while back that i am classed as overweight when looking at my height and age. I just want to be back in the normal category then i will maintain it. I think it will really benefit my confidence too. It’s a healthy focus I’m aiming for.
I think my head feels much clearer after spilling my guts. I just have to keep focused on the positives. I also need to fill my time more productively. I need to start getting ahead without running away.
My mantra, No more running, Forever fighting back..