In between constant loops of an acceptable/ bearable days and relapses of depression (which manifest quiet often) I’ve finally managed to get myself to the journal. Each time that I write a post I get stunned by how long it has passed since the last post I’ve made and how the time flies…
I wasn’t sure if I should write about the past months or rather focus on the main story which I promised myself to write down in the 1st place.Decided to stick to that (story) since as I wrote before, I honestly believe that writing things down could possibly help me to live a better present if not the future.
I believe that I wrote before about moving frequently throughout my life. We are speaking of 10+ times.I always get lost in counts, times and places until the memories kick in.The memories which I pushed to the back of my head.(Take note that there won’t be any chronological timelines).
In a year 199-something my mom and I moved for xy time.This time we moved to a huge (and I mean really huge house,it had around 4 apartments all up for rent and tourists and quiet some floors, sadly I don’t remember how many but it was a tall building).We had a front yard and a back yard. In the backyard was placed one tiny house which was also for rent and actually rented out by some policeman and in the front yard there was some old trailer.Property was quiet nice in all honesty and so was the house.I was enthusiastic and oh so happy to experience the life in a normal environment.
But of course that, there was a catch. There always is, like 90% of situations. The house belonged to a guy we will call P (actually those were his actual initials as well)
That guy smelled funky(gross oldish smell even though not all old ppl smell like that.. Actually none apart him did or do).He had gray hair,was almost twice the age of my mother, wore glasses and I have to write this even though it isn’t crucial ,he had one of the biggest ears I ever saw in my life!I didn’t like that guy at all, since the day one.He didn’t like me neither & that was fine.It didn’t take long for me to realise once I was older of course that he actually was a “lover” and a “boyfriend”of, my mom even thou I’m sure to this day that she was involved with him only because we had a decent place to stay at and a food on our table.At that time she was head over in a bank loans and couldn’t afford us much or well anything.I don’t blame her.She did the best that she could and I admire her for her stomach being able to sleep with that …that… Guy each night.I am not sure I could and I have pretty strong stomach myself for the most things.Anyhow… P was a narcissistic,selfabsorbed sociopath with ways of handling things from Era before Christ.No wonder that he never married nor had kids.He would be jealous whenever my own mother would pay attention to me.So basically my moms and mine relation decreased up on his force weighted on her shoulders.I remember that she would give me sweets and “shoo” me out of the house telling me to eat them behind the trailer so that he doesn’t see me eating them and go ballistic over that.Yes, it was that bad but at that time since I was a kid approx.under age of 5 I didn’t take it personal nor I really understood or thought about situations like that.I was after all happy to get sweets and hold the “world happiness” in my hand/s even behind that said trailer.
He never changed his ways towards me or the jealousy (which he called strictness) until we left.If anything it was only getting worse.That was the time when I 1st runaway from home.Not really because of him only but while we lived there I had a bunch of strange experiences.Even though nobody on here knows who I am I want you to know that I am really embarrassed about what I will write next but it is the truth about what happened and which circumstances led me to being a 1st time runaway.
Being a child under 5 I had no info. about anything sexually related.My first sexual “experience” actually occured at that lot. Remember the policeman whom lived in that small house in “our” property? Well, on one sunny day I had to go out of the house (again) and I was out of myself due to the boredom cause I actually didn’t have any friends since we just moved there and we were moving frequently as I said so forming a friendship was hard and I actually was afraid to befriend anyone cause I was certain that I would lose them sooner or later due to the next moving.I knew one boy with glasses but didn’t really like him and that is probably why we became friends… I wouldn’t mind losing him.. And I honestly never did.Anyway back to the sunny day.. I’ve decided to pretend that I was a spy and so I was walking around the property investigating things per say.I came to his house and saw a window blinds were open.Ahaaa!! (I thought to myself)!I’ve heard some strange noises coming out from that room cause the windows weren’t closed shut (warm weather and all). I slowly tiptoed to that window and started to observe what was going on.It was fascinating because I never saw someone doing what he was doing.I couldn’t however comprehend what he was doing with “it” and why his “it” was different then mine.I was actually fascinated.After watching it for some time I left and continued my spying game until the evening…
I would find myself rethinking about what I saw from time to time in upcoming days.I so badly wanted to have one like he had.On another sunny day again prooly out of boredom I took that pink shade toilet paper, run the water over it and formed it in to shape of “it”.I would go behind trailer and pretend to pee by squizing it and since I would leave it soaked I would recreate him “peeing” from it.As far as I am aware I did it only that one time.It was fun for some reason.I always like learning about new things and this was one of those cases most definitely.In a few days while I was left unattended (mom was working and P actually never cared to look after me, spent his days in front of the TV) I found the scissors and decided to cut my hair short.At that time it seemed to me that males have more fun +they have “it” so I tried to go Houdini on myself.Once mom came home she was in pure shock and she was scared out of herself cause I could have hurted myself so she said.Took me to the hairdresser and that was about it.I understood that I didn’t manage to turn myself in to a boy and that made me sad.I was a confused child all together which was always hungry to know more about anything and everything.So once I hit the wall with not being able to experience being a boy it made me quiet sad.Situation in the house with P was getting worse. He could barely stand me so I would spend more time in a yard alone then what I had the use of pretty, big house.All of that made me mad and frustrated in a matter of months.In one ocassion I went to his room (which I was strictly forbidden to go in to ,so that sparked my interest ) ,started snooping… Opened some drawer and found bunch of candies in neon packaging colors. There was literally hundreds of those.I didn’t take any however cause I wasn’t even let to snoop in there in the 1st place.Hint**Those weren’t candies and he was an old and smelly pervert.After all this years I couldn’t be more happier that he didn’t like me!!Back to frustrations and anger… One day I went in the filed which was right behind our backyard with the boy with glasses.I was really adventurous kid and I still am quiet actually. Long story short we were playing but I was the one leading our way… I remembered the streets quiet well when I was kid as well. We ended up on shore.I knew I had to be home in an half an hour (so P said even though I didn’t know how to use a watch or how much 30 min. period was).That day was quiet actually one of most happiest too.Well that part where we were at the beach if nothing.I’ve asked the boy if he can swim.. He told me that he can and I knew how to swim since a very early age so we proceeded to jump in the sea and swim back in loops.It was fun and thankfully he didn’t get drowned cause indeed he knew how to swim, THANKFULLY.Since it was late afternoon the wind started to blew and storm was about to happen. We didn’t have towels or anything of course.Right when we were done with our swimming session his dad car parked above on the road. I saw him and my mom running towards us both thanking God that we were both alive and well.And basically that was the last time that I saw a boy with glasses.I couldn’t comprehend why my mom was crying so much on our ride back home but I knew I did something not really good.From all those things which happened on that lot this one will stick with me the most.
Once we were back home he didn’t say a word.He was sitting waiting for his dinner.Mom served them meals and she sat on another side of the table too. When I was right about to sit and eat too ,(haven’t eat in a long time + my adventure took quiet the energy out of me) he pointed me to the floor.I didn’t understand what he wants from me.However I saw the corn on the floor.He told me to pull my pants up until they are above my knees and to kneel.So I did and my mother started to cry. She was eating and crying.He was eating and ignoring both me and her.Once they we’re done eating they left.She wanted to stay but he didn’t let her to grabbing her by her hand and taking her with.My knees hurted in a matter of hour… After a couple of hours they we’re thankfully numb.By the morning 10/11 the corn turned red and my mom woke me up with screams.I told her it didn’t hurt cause it didn’t but mentally it did it’s damage.We moved out of that place not long after…
P. has died since and the policeman is still doing the service cause I saw him some years ago.Thankfully no one really know what I saw.. What I did… Nor why.
Until next time.Love MF.