The last few days have been pretty well I suppose. After picking up Blue’s ashes I feel some sadness leave, but I still tear up at the thought.  It’s still hard to look out windows or go to work and come home. Sometimes I still go to the garage and call for him to get a treat and I realize, after he doesn’t come, how stupid I am.

The necklace I have with his fur and ashes in it seems to weigh so much on my chest…it’s like I am letting someone sit on my chest and the pressure makes it hard to breathe for a few moments, but I will always wear it. 

Other animals I have had that have past away never hurt me as much as I hurt for Blue.  Maybe it was because of how he died. I was there for my Lewie when he was put to sleep after having a heart attack and told he wouldn’t live through the week. He hit hard….but nothing like Blue has. I think it’s because of the violent way it happened. 

Found out the farmer knew about what he did. Basically shrugged it off. Said he should have stopped but he didn’t.  Fucker is usually drunk all the time anyway.


Ugh last night had to be the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was off of work last night so I was up all day doing stuff, and nothing more than I normally do, but I woke up at midnight with his horrible back pain that radiated into my stomach and then made it’s way down my back and abdomen. 

It hurt to do anything. Sit, stand, lay down. Ughhh it only felt better while sitting in the shower letting hot water run off of my back, but as soon as I would get out it immediately hurt again. Like I almost thought I was having a heart attack Because my chest hurt too and it hurt soooooo much I couldn’t stop crying.  This pain has only happened once before and it was while at work. I got to leave early but the drive home was the worst. It hurt more to drive and I kept wanting to pass out from the pain.  I thought of going to the ER last night but I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it and Nathan was in a dead sleep. 😑 Sometimes he’s useless.


Ughhh so I kept going back and forth between laying on heating pad and going into the shower. It didn’t go away or start to until 6am. 

Uhhhhhh all my cats were freaking out while I laid in the bathroom floor crying lol it would have been funny but I thought I was dying. I need to go see a doctor now since it has happened twice… I can only imagine how many tests they will do or just say it’s stress or something. Meh.

I’m so tired… Even after the pain left I barely got sleep and now I’m asking my coworker to help me stay awake lol xD

Probably will pass out hahahahaha.



Oh! Azalea! I can’t comment on your journals now, but I just wanted to say you will do just fine and it’s all gonna be fine! I’m rooting for you!!! And damn you two sound cute as fuck!!!!

<3 have a great night and do well on tests!


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