F.A

Do you know that feeling when your heart is beating a thousand times faster, your mind is filled with so many things flying around inside? All of a sudden you feel you heart being smashed into a million pieces, everything becomes black. You can’t hear nor see anything, it’s like you’re in another dimension. A dimension as it’s if you were reliving every hurtful, sad, and painful moment of your life. Every hurtful word and rejection flashes through your very eyes as if it were just yesterday. When you wake up again it’s as if reality just slapped your face with a fry pan. You’re covered in scars and bruises, you promise yourself that you’ll never let anyone in. You build a wall just to protect what’s left of you, every then and again another guy comes around just like all the others making empty promises. Your heart had being broken so many damming times that you’ve stopped keeping track. Every time you opened yourself to be loved all you get is hurt, it’s like opening the door expecting your guest to come in, but they hit you with a two by four.

 

I’ll never hurt you, I love you, I’m not leaving you….I love you.  That’s what they all say, they hear what you’ve been through and they promise you that they’ll never hurt you. They make you believe that they are different, that they are your prince coming to save you from the cunning dragons. But they’re not, all they do is use you and then leave you behind to pick up yourself up on your own and move on again. And you fall into the same trap again and again. So I thought it was just better to just block off the door and tough it out. It’s not as great as finding your man, but hey, it keep you alive and it’s not miserable as being left behind again. Love has died and took my heart with it.

 

I couldn’t do anything as I let the warm yet salty tears roll down from my now swollen and bruised eyes, the only thing they once held of glint that revealed a world of darkness and even though I try tried to hide it with a fake smile, my eyes revealed it all. The dark, colourless eyes that mourned my despair. That was then, but now I can hide my hurt, pain, and despair behind without a glance to revel my hidden story. I can hide my sorrow and bitterness through a fake smile, no one can tell, because no cares. One thing I’ve learnt in this world, not everyone’s going to want you, not everyone’s going to except you for who you really are, either by race, gender, background or whatever. That’s just how the world is, only very few people are truly are good at heart. The rest, well I sometimes wonder if they even have a heart.   

 

For me the nights are the time that my thoughts fly around faster than ever, flashbacks and memories all flood back in as if my mind were a great majestic water fall; both the new; old; terrible and regretful moments; the little snips of happy times that were only just lasted long enough till something dreadful came along. But that’s my life, one minute it all happy then the next it’s as if thunder came down from the sky and crushed all that was in its path. I remember those sleepless night were I would lay on my soft bed wide awake, too scared to close my eyes, to scared of the nightmares, to scared of the horrific monsters. I remember back then when I was younger, they would always say that dreams can come true. But they forgot to mention that nightmares are dreams too. As I got older the monsters crept from under my bed inside my mind. It’s hard fighting them there, in your mind. A lot of people think that bravery has to always be about going to war, stopping, bullying and all that. I mean yes this things are bravery, but to wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tried the night before, well that my friend is bravery.

 

Every day is a struggle, even when I’m at my best. My anxiety is always with me and my panic taps me on my shoulders a few times a day. On my good days I can brush it off, on my bad days I just want to stay in bed. Sometimes I just need to be alone, so I can cry without being interrupted, so I don’t bring anyone else down with me. Sometimes I’m not angry, I’m just hurt….just confused.

 

It makes me laugh on the inside when some girls cry out in ‘pain’ because of their nail broke, but no that’s not pain. Pain is when you’re staring at yourself in mirror with tears streaming down your face and you’re begging yourself to just hold on and be strong. Pain is when you lose someone so close to your already broken heart, pain is when someone u dearly loves dies away in your arms. Pain is when you can no longer feel the joy of life the happiness of that close someone, when you’re smiling just stop the tears from falling. That is pain

 

I can still remember those night were I would crawl away in the corner and cry my heart out, I’ve never liked crying. It made me feel weak, but crying was all I seemed to be doing. I no longer cry as much, I keep it all locked up inside me. Then the hurt turns to angry and the anger turns into destruction. And destruction turns to trouble. I can recall those moments were my family just gave up on me, the angry and hurtful words hitting me like an arrow spearing through targets heart. Their sad and disappointed faces said it all. The times when I felt so alone, every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don’t think I’m winning anymore……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… I feel really bad because so many people out there have it worst then I do, yet I’m here feeling like this.    

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