To the Person Behind the Mirror,
Last night I realized how alone I am.
I had a pretty okay day except for a couple things. #1 I overate at dinner and I felt guilty about it. #2 I felt inadequate at my second job because families were sharing very openly about their cases and I didn’t have the knowledge to offer them any kind of useful advice, but my boss was there and she was able to offer them what I could not.
I drove home feeling badly about myself because the reason I push myself so hard and work so much is because I feel like my existence is wasteful. I don’t like to spend time at home enjoying myself because there’s no meaning in that. So I dedicate as much of my life as I possibly can to my work because at least then someone can benefit. But if I can’t be of use, even when I’m working, there’s really no reason for me to exist.
I came home and tried to talk to my husband. I only got as far as “I ate an extra hot dog and I feel bad about it” and he scolded me for eating the hot dog and told me if I really care about losing weight I need to stop overeating and if I’m going to keep doing things like this I should just give up. I kept trying to tell him I know…I know what I did wrong…I know… It was like he couldn’t understand at all. Somehow we got on the topic of my feelings of inadequacy at work and the next thing I knew he was done with the conversation and had walked away. I followed him to the office so we could play a video game like we usually do but he didn’t want to play with me. He said he didn’t want to play with me if my heart wasn’t in it. I cried and said I didn’t want to have to fake a good mood. He shrugged me off and just stared at me with cold eyes from his desk across the room as I cried. As I told him all I wanted was to come home and be held by him and told that he loves me and always will no matter what. He just stayed in his chair and listened silently with cold eyes and didn’t respond. Finally I begged him to come to me and hold me and he did but his arms held no warmth. It was as if his whole body was telling me “This is stupid.”
I resolved the issue by doing what I said I didn’t want to do. I faked it. I pretended to feel better and we played a video game and then I went to bed. I felt 100 times worse than I did when I walked in the door.
I feel like I want to stop existing.
I’ll write again.