May 13

I freaked out at him for not responding to me when i messaged him. It was nasty.

When I open our conversation and see that the last things we said were in screams and sarcasm, it felt so ugly. That kind of ugliness has no place in our relationship. 

I want to apologize. But i don’t want to disturb him or be a hypocrite.

Then I had a sort of realization. I always tell him how I want him to learn. I suggest he writes shit down and thinks step by step on how he can listen better and stand up and stuff. I started suggesting things for him because he seemed clueless about where to start, and if I didnt push him, he didn’t ever really start on working on his issues because he’s focused on the fact that we’re “happy now”. However, perhaps I should tell him to start over and really push to think on his own, his own ways of how to listen and value me. I don’t want to micromanage him and we are fundamentally different people. I can’t think of any conceivable way he could learn to listen/value me without writing down things to remember them and to take a step back and analyze situations, but he’s his own person so I would be foolish to think my way is the only way, let alone the best way for him.

I feel like I should call him and tell him that even though we’re on a break, because if I let him know that I am not angry anymore and that I want him to think of his own ways to help me, then maybe that’ll change what happens on his end of the break. i suspect things are really gloomy for him. He expressed that he doesnt know if he can be enough for me, and I want to change that thinking.

I also think back to my business classes. In an organizational structure, we have seen a pattern arise – a feedback loop, continuous processes, are much more efficient and yield much better outcomes than a straight sequence of communications and no feedback. So why should our break be any different? I keep getting pissed at him for contacting me. But honestly, i feel like i know most of what I need, and I’ve felt that for some time. I think the main reason why I keep blowing up at him when he contacts me is that he only does it when he feels shitty or thinks it’s somehow appropriate, when it’s CLEARLY against what he agreed. It’s the principle of him breaking what we set. But when i think carefully, I’m okay with talking, so long as it’s casual, more formal, and we dont look to each other for comfort about the break. So if he needs that, i’m open to changing the rules.

I want to call him and talk about this. I dont know if he’s asleep. I guess I’ll message him now and sees if he’s open to talking.

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