To the Person Behind the Mirror,
My husband isn’t usually a bad person. Sometimes, I have to admit, he is. But not always. Most of the time he’s pretty neutral. But when we first met, he was good.
I fell in love with my husband because he fought for me. When we first met, I was attracted to him certainly but I was reluctant to be in a relationship with him because I didn’t see a future in dating someone so far away. It was me who pushed him away.
But he fought for me. He begged for me. He called me at my home and I remember he asked me “What can I do? How can I become the person you need?” and at the time my answer was “You can’t” but after some time passed I realized that was precisely what I wanted in a partner. I wanted someone who would fight for me. Someone who would go to the ends of the earth for me.
So I came back. But by the time I came back, he was no longer interested. He had given up and moved on. And he’s never been the same.
I spent years begging him to give me another chance, promising him that I would never push him away again. I waited for years for that chance to come. Finally he did. But I had to beg for it every day. And then when we were living together I thought we were finally past that but then he left me for that other girl and I had to spend another 6 months begging him to leave her and come back to me. He did, but only after things didn’t work out with her.
Now we’ve been married for 9 years and I still feel like I have to beg him to love me. When I’m upset with him, he doesn’t apologize. I get the sense he wouldn’t mind if I left. He wouldn’t mind if I stay. He doesn’t need me, but he’ll have me since I’m here.
I love my husband. He’s not the man I fell in love with, but I love him anyway. But I also ache to be loved the way I need. To be fought for, the way he once did.
I’ll write again.