Saturday

To the Person Behind the Mirror,

My husband isn’t usually a bad person.  Sometimes, I have to admit, he is.  But not always.  Most of the time he’s pretty neutral.  But when we first met, he was good.

I fell in love with my husband because he fought for me.  When we first met, I was attracted to him certainly but I was reluctant to be in a relationship with him because I didn’t see a future in dating someone so far away.  It was me who pushed him away.

But he fought for me.  He begged for me.  He called me at my home and I remember he asked me “What can I do?  How can I become the person you need?” and at the time my answer was “You can’t” but after some time passed I realized that was precisely what I wanted in a partner.  I wanted someone who would fight for me.  Someone who would go to the ends of the earth for me.

So I came back.  But by the time I came back, he was no longer interested.  He had given up and moved on.  And he’s never been the same.

I spent years begging him to give me another chance, promising him that I would never push him away again.  I waited for years for that chance to come.  Finally he did.  But I had to beg for it every day.  And then when we were living together I thought we were finally past that but then he left me for that other girl and I had to spend another 6 months begging him to leave her and come back to me.  He did, but only after things didn’t work out with her.

Now we’ve been married for 9 years and I still feel like I have to beg him to love me.  When I’m upset with him, he doesn’t apologize.  I get the sense he wouldn’t mind if I left.  He wouldn’t mind if I stay.  He doesn’t need me, but he’ll have me since I’m here.

I love my husband.  He’s not the man I fell in love with, but I love him anyway.  But I also ache to be loved the way I need.  To be fought for, the way he once did.

I’ll write again.

One thought on “Saturday”

  1. Men lack empathy and are usually turned off by neediness. My advice for you would to become a challenge again.. make yourself less available from time to time. Walk with your head high like you own the place and don’t let him see you cry or complain..once he sees you as strong/independent he will start to want to gain your attention and time.. also remember with each passing day and each experience we face, were constantly changing as people.. it’s okay to outgrow someone or a situation.. don’t be afraid to be YOU! It is a mans job to respect a woman, but it’s a woman’s job to give him something to respect.. soften yourself, laugh more and be easy, it will interest him..men hate emotional,needy,drama. They just want smooth, simple and easy lol. But don’t let him treat you poorly!! The more you stand up for yourself the more attractive you can come off! No matter what size, shape or color you are, your beauty can shine brighter than the sun!! It’s all in how you look and approach your life and your mindset.. good luck (:

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