I’ve really tried to put some distance between you and my brain as of late, but much to my chagrin, it hasn’t worked. For some reason I cannot begin to comprehend, you’ve been on my mind a lot more recently. I thought that postponing this entry might be in my best interest.
I read somewhere that a grieving ex-lover will sometimes discuss his or her past relationship with friends, family, or whoever will listen, to experience a sort of closeness to their ex partner. Drudging up the past and reliving old memories serves as a way to bring them back to you.
I’m actively trying to avoid this and have somewhat successfully phased you out of my conversations. Not that there was ever anything good to talk about when it came to you, I still somehow felt better after talking about you, despite talking about the painful in inhumane ways I was treated. Now, I’m worried that what I initially perceived as catharsis is really just my brain hitting itself up for more dopamine by swimming through the murky swamp that was our disgusting “relationship,” and siphoning off any memory worth keeping, as insignificant and minuscule as it may seem.
I’m ashamed to admit that I think I may literally be addicted to you. Even after everything you put me through, after everything you did to me… after three months of no contact with you whatsoever… I still wait for the day when I can get that next fix.
Of course, in my logistical mind, that day will never come because I won’t allow it. Emotionally, I don’t know that I can handle you coming back into my life and me being able to walk away.
In these moments of confusion – not knowing whether getting it all out is good for my soul or if my brain just needs that Ratface High – I truly wonder if I will ever be able to get past this… and past you.
Do I bottle it all up? Repress it to the point of nonexistence? Who knows how long that will take. And will it stay forever repressed, or am I doomed to relive it years down the road when it hits me suddenly and by surprise?
Or do I let it flow freely, possibly extending the length of recovery by feeding my own addiction? Do I really have to ween myself off of you? Hasn’t it been long enough already?
In my 32 years on this Earth, I’ve never been as lost and confused as I have been this last year and a half. I keep telling myself that the damage was done over the course of 13 months and it isn’t going to fade away all at once.
Little pieces of you and the pain you caused chip away here and there. Eventually…and gradually… it will happen though. Your pieces and the darkness that you brought will have fallen away into the abyss. My pieces? I’ll use the newfound light that will finally be able to permeate my heart and soul to put them back together. They’ll be rearranged into a different shape, a different person. A smarter, stronger, more confident person. And you won’t have the privilege of getting to know the new and improved me.
But I’m rambling now…
The actual point of this entry was to put my revelations about you to pen and paper, so to speak. In my last entry, I explored the fact that you must be sociopathic, based on your inability to feel and act on legitimate human emotions.
In this entry, my focus is on your pathological lying. And how you lie to e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.
This is going to seem like another no-brainer, but for me, as I was driving into work one rainy morning and sitting in Parkway traffic, it hit me: You lie to everyone.
For some reason, throughout the course of our relationship and the weeks following the break up, I had this idea that you told the truth to everyone but me. What do you have to gain from lying to everyone? It was painfully obvious why you’d lie to me. But everyone else?
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. You absolutely do lie to everyone. I remember sitting there on the phone listening to you talk to your Human Pin Cushion friend, telling her how I had cheated on you. How I took you out for your birthday lunch because I felt so guilty about it and was trying to win you back. And how you were going to try to play the situation into something you could benefit from.
The idea that this was supposedly one of your best friends and you were blatantly lying to her face made me feel incredible. For the first time in the entirety of being with you, I realized that it wasn’t just me being lied to. It wasn’t anything wrong with me. It was all you.
I was, oddly enough, downright giddy for the next two days after this heartbreaking epiphany. Heartbreaking only because I can’t understand why anyone would feel the compulsion to lie, nonstop, to the people he supposedly cares about most. Note: See realization, part I.
And with that came the realization that you’ve probably lied to everyone else about me and other things as well. It pisses me off to no end to think that you’ve slandered my name and character and dragged it through the mud. Then again, if your childish, inconsiderate, and ignorant friends believe you, its no skin off my back because their opinions of me mean nothing.
If nothing else, my friends have always gotten the truth from me, no matter how painful it was to admit. I’ve told them that I slept with you for weeks after we had actually broken up. How I’d considered getting back together with you, in spite of all that had happened. How I was ready to kill myself because you’d taken everything from me. In my mind.. how are your friends supposed to help you if they don’t actually know what’s going on?
In a way – Leonard – my heart aches for you. I wish.. that you were a better person. I wish that you could be even half the man you promised to be in the beginning. I wish I had the strength, and the courage, to stand up to you and tell you that you have a personality disorder. That you are emotionally abusive and that you need help. I wish I could say that if you wanted help, I’d be the one to give it to you, or at least be the one to stand by your side and support you while you got it from a professional.
No matter the amount of wishing and hoping I do, if you don’t want to help yourself, then nothing will ever change. And I know that you don’t feel there is a problem within you, so in your eyes, there is nothing to fix. You’ve obviously just had a slew of bad relationships, of which you have always been the victim.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but until you realize the work needs to start from the inside and work its way out, you will never earn the love you say you crave. Although, if there is any truth to what I’ve been saying for months, you are incapable of experiencing and reciprocating such emotion.
And again, a life without emotion doesn’t seem like much of a life worth living. And that’s why I had to walk away. You began to deplete my emotional reserves until they finally ran dry.
Maybe one day, you’ll find a plentiful source that you won’t ruin while you get your fill…