science tells us that when an individual is struck by lightening, the body’s neurons can often be rewired. the death of the cells caused by such severe injury can cause a flooding of the brain with neurotransmitters that are released by the dying neurons. this in turn causes permanent change in the dopamine and serotonin neurotransmitter systems, which ultimately rewires the body’s neurons. if you are struck once, you are more likely to be struck again. (it may not be true, but it is somewhat poetic).
I was standing in an open field during the worst storm I have ever experienced. there was something calming about your strike coursing through my body, reminding me of what I could feel. it happened so quickly, a shock mid stride and unexpected–but feeling so good.
if I am being honest, I can only remember that it hurt. a scar-less pain with too many metaphors to choose. a silence of loving steadily trying to look past all the words. the empty storm moved inside me, remembering- remembering to be thankful I was able to feel at all. the blood within me burned collecting ash deep within my stomach.
I once read that you cannot necessarily remember something, you only remember remembering. the entire day I was shaken for all the false memories it allows. my dreams were so vivid all the times I woke up alone. I could have sworn I felt your body against mine. did you ever really say the words I long to hear? I traced your shoulder blades with my finger, writing love notes you would never bother to feel. you cannot remember pain, you only know that it hurt. no nerve carries memory to the brain, but my chest crushed when I read the words you wrote.
I think I wished for you so frequently that the words no longer made sense. we all know the trick… you say something over and over and somehow the meaning becomes lost. the word becomes sticky within your mouth wondering the original intention of each syllable. all I wanted was a sign you were thinking of me too… and that my lonely letters may somehow reach you.
I am no phoenix. I did not rise from the destructive ash. I let the ash consume me, and try growing in the dark.
nevertheless, here I stand in the field with my arms over my head. I am more likely to be struck again and all the heartbreak may be worth it.
that is what I am choosing to tell myself.