Visiting Hours

down to the heated petty arguments, the misunderstandings, the miscommunication; nothing haunts me more today than the naive and shallow choices I once made that kept me from spending time with my mother when I had the opportunity. nothing haunts me to the core quite like the days spent carelessly spitting  angry words of an angsty teenager; words that without a doubt made her question not only her sanity, but her mothering abilities. let’s face it, a moody teenager and a nagging mother never really made a good combination. nothing haunts me quite like the “should have’s” and “could have’s”, because dammit, self, you should have, you could have when she was still here.
the day I lost my mother is a day I could easily disclose details from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. it is a day that still after so many years, is a cause to my insomnia and panic attacks. a day I will never forget start to finish, because death… is something that changes you and turns you inside out; you question your own sanity from the immense pain that inevitably alters your entire being.
take it from me
I haven’t been the same since.

days like today I cannot help but wonder what it would be like if I could see you. one last time, one more conversation. if life after death had some sort of visiting hours I could attend; if only for a short while.
it has been so long, so long since I last saw you; so long since I last sought comfort in your embrace. everything was so different back then. I was so different back then.
would you be proud of the man I am today?
would you recognize me through the sadness behind my eyes and the tiredness on my face?
what would you even have to say? would you still see me as the little boy you once knew?

time stopped for you the moment you died. you would forever be exactly as I remembered though the world kept on spinning for the rest of us.

I am no longer that little boy you once knew
what if the life I have created for myself isn’t the life that would make you proud? I have so many questions, but if only I could see you one last time, I would know. I would recognize you and see you again, to hug you again… that would be enough for me.

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