what got me here..

(All original names have been changed)

I am about to tell you the story of how I entered my now relationship. My current boyfriend Tyler and I have been dating for over two years now. He is 6 yrs older than me (29-23). Something we both have in common is how our last relationship ended, we were both cheated on by our exes. Something else we have in common.. well our exes are siblings.. Stay with me here. 

I met Miles in high school, our love lasted 4 years. During those 4 years we lost our virginity to each other, were crowned Prom King & Queen, survived family issues, lived together, bonded with each others families and helped each other start our “adult” life. After high school graduation we moved to another state to live with my sweet/funny grandma because she was only at her house for 3 nights of the week and offered us a rent free place. She and Miles had a good relationship, back in high school she bought him a phone because his family life was rough at the time with his mom being an on again off again meth addict. She later even cosigned for our first car (which he has and still makes payments through my granny) We both found jobs, I was in clothing and he was at a fast food place. After work id go sit at the counter and watch him cook and talk with his co workers. Our time in this new place lasted 2 years. I remember telling Miles, those girls at your work like you, I can tell. I meant it in more of a hey cutie look at all these girls wanting my boyfriend kinda way. Little did I know, I was right all along. We grew a friendship with the “crew” at his work. We were all young, partying every weekend or chance we could. We all went everywhere together out to eat, to amusement parks, putt-putting, movie nights, you name it. One night at a typical party, it just went too far. It was Miles and I with another couple in our group with a few others. Somehow we ended up swapping partners and doing a lap dance competition, which led to us taking it to the floor. Us girls were laying down, and the guys were doing their best magic mike type moves they could. It was meant to be funny. As the song goes on, I heard kissing noises. Me and the guy on top of me looked over to see Miles and this guys girlfriend kissing. Miles hurried and jumped up and started clinging to me. I ran to the bathroom, he followed me. I remember he started crying saying I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! We were all so drunk. I sat on the toilet peeing, trying to hold back the stinging tears blocking my vision with my love kneeling at my feet holding my  legs. What a sight that had to of been. The next day she text me, this long apology and how she had no feelings for Miles and how she loved her boyfriend of 4 years more than anything. We were drunk I told myself. I took her apology. Miles made it a point to speak with the girls boyfriend in person to say sorry. He also accepted it. Time went on and Miles and I slowly lost our connection. It wasn’t all because of his betrayal, I think a lot of it came from both of us being so young and the fact that we’d only been with each other, there was this constant curiosity of what sex or life would be like with someone else. As a young girl I didn’t know what sex was supposed to be but I always felt like I was missing out because it wasn’t like in movies or in porn. The biggest thing that we had issues with was that I never orgasm ed vaginally alone, I didn’t know at the time that the G spot isn’t necessarily real for all women and that its okay to orgasm through other ways. But at the time when you’re so young and new to everything, how could you know? I wish I could tell my then self that the sex life I had was completely normal and we had it all and I needed to stop worrying if there was anything else out there. We had just started going on runs together and when we finished we started talking. We came to the mutual agreement that we should take the weekend apart to rekindle our want for each other. He held me so lovingly and said I am going to come back and give you the love that you deserve and kissed me with tears in his eyes he almost didn’t leave, he kept saying should I just stay? I kept thinking this will be good for us, just a nice weekend to relax and find my peace while he can go play basketball and workout with his guys. So I pushed him to go.. oh how I replay that moment over and over in my head wishing so badly I never let him walk out that door. Because he never came back. Long story short, he ended up going to that couples apartment from the party and staying in their extra room. Miles and the girl ended up sneaking around on the poor guy who opened his home to Miles. He moved out and Miles took over the apartment payments. I quit school, sold my car, bought a ticket and flew back home to start over. Heartbroken, and never the same since. I still see them on social media all the time, its so hard for me to see all of our friends from there liking all their stuff. Its like I never existed, non of those people there were ever my friends. Its even more painful for me to see our mutual friends from high school and our family members and even MY friends liking all their stuff. I feel like screaming DO ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT THEY EVEN DID? DO YOU EVEN CARE?

Tyler and his girlfriend Jewels (Miles older sister) were together for 6 years. They also met in high school. Now remember when I said Miles and I lived together, well during our 4 years I saw a lot of Jewels. She once came home and told Miles, his mom and I about a black guy she just spent the weekend with having sex in some apartment that over looked the city (while she was in a relationship with Tyler mind you). Anyways, so Tyler and Jewels lived together. He had a really good paying job building airplane parts and she was just out of beauty school working at a hair place in the mall. Jewels is heavier set, has a slightly slanted mouth and a high baby toned pitched voice due to some ear thing.. She is one of those narcissistic people that are so unhappy with themselves that they set out to hurt other people to make themselves feel better. I was always incredibly intimidated by her, mind you I was a junior in high school when met her. But I was intimidated because she carries herself with this extra confident, bitchy, say it straight to your face kinda way. She was always dressed to the tens with a full face of make up on, she once told me I wont go into a store or go anywhere if I am not done with my make up. She always called me out in front of big groups saying things like, “why did you curl your hair that way, you make me want to run my fingers through it because the curls are not brushed” I would reply shyly with something like “ohh I don’t know lol I was in a hurry” but it never just ended there, she had to come back with more. She was constantly fighting with everyone in her family and friends group. She racked up over 10,000$ in loans in Tyler’s name because she always had to have the best. Over 150 pairs of shoes, endless clothes, makeup, always ate out and went drinking with friends, needed loans just to get everyone nice Christmas gifts with fancy boxes and bows to look like she had it all. Its so weird to think back to Christmas, the four of us opening gifts with Miles and Jewels family, not a clue that soon things would be very very different. Well Tyler and Jewels were constantly fighting and in this on again off again type of thing. Tyler had caught her cheating a few times throughout their relationship but for whatever reason stayed with her. He says its because he doesn’t have a good family and since they were together for so long she was just comfort like a family or something.. Well it happened again and he decided to pack up and move to another city into a nice city apartment just a sidewalk distance from work. She did end up moving into the apartment with him and they tried one more time to make it work but Tyler says they just fought all the time and it was too much. So they were broken up but Jewels was still living there in his new apartment because she needed money. Apparently she was going to move to TX to live with a friend who has a life of her own (a husband and two kids). Jewels had attempted to live with her once before but these two fight like cats and dogs every time they meet up. Last time her friend flew to visit Jewels and Tyler and he said they got drunk and fought so bad that Jewels kicked her friend out and made her get a hotel room. So Jewels is still at Tyler’s place and asking him to pay for all of her expenses to move to TX otherwise it would take her along time to leave because she would have to save up the money.

At this time, I am just finding my way again after moving back home to start over. I quickly got mingling with old high school people that were still around in my small home town. I was out of it, life was a blur. I was going through the motions. Eventually after enough mingling and partying, I was asked to fill a room in a house of people id gone to school with. So I moved in, I was working as a nanny and even had a part time job at Subway while going to school. I was kinda enjoying the single life, only because it distracted me from Miles. It was a daily pain, a constant itch I could never scratch. I was a mess. I kept saying yes to everything, I didn’t want to be alone. Id go anywhere with anyone and do anything. A few potential flings happened but nothing stuck. I was starting to feel like id never find another guy, and I kept thinking how do you love again? How do you go into another relationship and not think its weird to call them babe when you spent 4 years calling someone else babe.. I remember questioning things like that often, just so caught up on how to love again, and how would it feel? Right as I was sinking into another pit of nobody’s ever going to love me, I got a text. It was such a random text. It was Tyler…

Tyler opened up conversation by wanting to know about Miles and I. I gave him the short version, he cheated on me and left me for the girl and now he’s living there and i’m living here. We made more small talk until he sent me a text saying can I ask you something? Me being such a curious person loved this little game. I said sure, and after what felt like decades he asked if he could take me out. I squealed as I raced to explain this random conversation to my littler sister so she could help me sort out what in the world it could possible mean. My replies turned into “our” replies. We replied, wait.. like on a date, what about Jewels? With that he said that they were done and he was ready to move on. So I agreed to go out with him, we spent a week texting day and night until it finally worked out with both of our schedules to go on a date. He picked me up at my house, we went to eat at nice dinner and had some drinks ( I remember feeling so grown up because I just turned 21 and was on a date with an older guy having dinner in the bar section) Afterwards we went bowling. He ordered us drinks and appetizers and we had a strong vibe, our conversation was never awkward. As the night went on, or should I say the drinks went on, our flirtatious vibe grew too. Of course I lost at bowling and due to a bet we had set at the beginning I owed him a kiss. Our relationship moved fast from there. We text each other all day and all night and met up when we could. Some nights he’d come by late and take me to Denny’s so we could eat and talk for awhile. He would send me playlists of music id never heard but loved, shows to watch and called me things like baby which Miles never did. It was so nice to have that spark feeling, I loved the excitement, it awoke something in me. I ended up moving out of my friends house and into his apartment. My friends were pissed about it and I haven’t had a real friendship with them since. I got a job as a waitress across the street, the first job I ever walked to, was so nice to not commute. We played games, id met his friends, went on late night food runs after spur of the moment ideas to rearrange the whole apartment, we had two kittens, had a Vegas trip planned and paid for with his parents coming up, Christmas plans with my family, everything felt great. It was this fresh start, I felt like I was starting to become this new person and that I was in this mature relationship. Or so I thought…

I guess this is when the honeymoon phase ended. It was a cold night, I was extra giddy because our Vegas trip was coming up and Christmas was right around the corner. My family has a Christmas eve tradition that we get PJ’s to open. So I was out buying Tyler some so he would fit right in, as I was leaving the store and reaching for my keys, I felt my phone vibrate. It was a Facebook notification asking me if id accept a message from somebody who wasn’t on my friends list. I hit accept, rattling my brain for who it could possible be? Then I saw her name. Jewels. I knew. I knew better! I KNEW she would make this hell for me, but what stung so badly was his betrayal.. Turns out they had been texting for some time. She screen shot all the text and sent them to me. Half of me knew she had only been manipulating and working on this for some time and knew that she had one goal in mind and that was to break us up as soon as she found out about us. This was not her first attempt. Her first attempts were pretty clever. She got into Tyler’s head making him believe that I had been talking with Miles, but I wasn’t and he believed me. She also has been extra friendly with Tyler’s step mom just so that she always knows whats going on and because she knows that will upset Tyler and I that shes still friends with his step mom. Unfortunately Tyler’s step mom is so much like Jewels that it works to her advantage all too well. Then there was the other half of me who knew that I’d been cheated on before and that I needed to have some type of self respect.  So I told her, lol you can have him. With that she said, I don’t want him honey I just thought you’d want to know what your boyfriend was up to and was wondering if you’ll ever find a man that’s faithful. (knowing that her little brother Miles cheated on me) I forwarded her back some messages that Tyler had sent me from when we first started talking that said a bunch of things about her and why he wants to get her out of his life. Some text were about him saying how hes so happy to be with me and that my pu$$y is the best hes ever had and that he cant get enough of it since jewels was heavier set and apparently had a stinky vag so he never ate her out. I know this is weird, but it gave me a small bit of satisfaction for me to send her all those so that she knew I knew. 

Oh I was devastated, here I had this new love. His dad had already paid for plane tickets and hotel rooms for us, my job was there, my phone and insurance were tied to him, it was a mess. I called my little sister and told her about it before I made my way back to the apartment to confront Tyler about the messages. She was on her way to get me, I needed to be around my family and needed to think. So when I got back to the apartment I said Jewels messaged me. You could tell he knew. He of course was super apologetic and kept trying to hug me and grab me and explain things. I was grabbing things all around his apartment and throwing things everywhere while screaming things like, you knew I was cheated on before!! How could you do this to me!? How could you let this go on for so long!? Is my life a joke to you?! I packed some bags and my sister helped me get it to the car and took me home. I cried the whole way. She felt bad for me, my whole family did. They’ve seen me go through so much already. They were great, they let me talk about it over and over again. We all went through the pros and cons of staying with him or leaving him. I decided to log into our phone accounts and read these text for myself, I needed more info to decide. Extremely painful to read through them all. There were I miss yous, many sexts back and forth, a few naked pictures sent from her, but a few that made me see it was Jewels game. Tyler cant get away with this and things will not be the same. But I found a few text from Jewels that said things like if you don’t keep texting me when I want, I will blow up your scene. She was constantly trying to talk him into breaking up with me, and she was always trying to get him to take her to dinner but he always denied her. Tyler told me he felt like he had to keep talking to her because he knew she would mess things up between us, he said shes next level crazy and would mess his life up more if he didn’t go along with it. Doesn’t change the fact that he started talking with her in the first place. His lame ass excuse for that was that when she left he called her a bunch of nasty names and he was carrying guilt from it. So when she reached out to talk he said he messed up and fell into texting her again because she lead him to believe that I was sneaking and talking with Miles (I never did.. phone record proved it) and since she was in another state he knew nothing would actually come out of it. He said he regretted it and he hates her for everything shes done to him by playing him mentally just to keep him around and use him fro money. He has insecurity issues of his own. His mom walked out on his birthday when he was little and never came back. His first ever girlfriend cheated on him. Its all hes ever known.  After days of going back and forth with myself and hours of conversations with Tyler, I gave it one more chance. I had all the passwords to all of his accounts (without him knowing, and I know this sounds bad, but I had to protect myself and it was the only way I would know 100 % if this was real or not) I only checked here and then for my own peace of mind. After being cheated on twice by the only people id ever loved really fucks you up mentally. Jewels moved to TX before she knew about us, she had Tyler’s friend personally drive her there and drop her off, made sure to post pictures of it so Tyler would know. But after the texting bomb she threw didn’t break us, she moved back for one more attempt.  She would text me all day and night with threats and attempts to break us. We blocked her number from both of our phones and she would text us from friends phones trying to find excuses for Tyler and her to meet up like, I need to get my name removed from the apartment and in order to do so Tyler and I have to be there at the same time. Little did she know I seen the emails between Tyler and the apartment, she was never on it. Eventually she gave up. Tyler and I finally got to let our relationship run and be whatever it was supposed to be. 

2 years later.. Tyler and I are still together and going strong. We moved to a new apartment and started new. Miles and the girl are still together living in IN where I was born and go to every summer with my family. He doesn’t see much of his family, he flies back to visit about once a year. And Jewels? Well Jewels is now selling all those shoes on Facebook, lives with her mom who lives with a friend. She(27) ended up getting with Miles childhood friend Mark(22) and got knocked up. Not sure when she is due but according to all my friends who unfortunately hang out with her because her boyfriend is our age and went to high school with us, she is crazier than ever and everyone hates when she is around. I guess her and her baby daddy have punched each other and she almost ran him over with her car once going like 45 mph. Karma did me a solid in this sense you could say.. Although its been about 5 years since Miles and I, it still hurts to see all my friends like their stuff and encourage their relationship. I no longer care what he is up to or if he ever thinks about me. I’m happy for that. The thing i’m working on now is Tyler’s step mom still has a better relationship with Jewel than with me!! I cant believe it, after almost 3 years they are STILL friends, Jewels does her hair and lashes and they catch up all the time. Makes my blood boil because now not only is she taking my place with the mom, she’s hanging out in MY friend groups.. Will this girl ever get out of my life?! I am still working on myself after all these years. I’m trying get back to who I was before all of this mess.

This journal is going to help me.

2 thoughts on “what got me here..”

  1. I love the colors of your journal 🙂

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