Shattered

Javi and I had been together about 8 months, well as much as two people can be ‘together’ from 800 miles away. We knew each other is high school, lived just a couple houses away and had stayed in touch over the years…. nothing was ever really there other than friendship. I always liked the bad boys and Javi was not a bad boy. He has a bunch of tattoos but is as sweet and kind as one could possibly be. 

He messaged me on FB and we started talking again, but this time we didn’t stop. We talked all day everyday up until about a week ago. And when I say all day everyday…. we would send like 600 texts a day, we never went more than like 10 mins between responses. Over the time, he’s come to visit 3 times. 

When we started really talking, I told him that I couldn’t do long distance relationships and that I had stayed single for 2 years on purpose because being a single Mom, I can’t afford the BS that comes with dating anyone. He understood that but our hearts didn’t listen. We ended up in love. Not just in love…. head over heels, madly, insanely, passionately, movie-like love that I had never experienced before. We were talking about getting married (he actually would ask me like once a week if I would say yes already) and maybe having another baby. He met my daughter, and they fell in love…. I mean, this was perfect. I had found my perfect man. He was everything… .he made me happy, he made me smile, and feel important and beautiful and cared for. 

The issue was that he had JUST bought a house in VA and I live in FL. My whole family is down here and I would feel too guilty to take her away from the family. Especially because my grandparents are so so close to me and they are getting older…. I don’t want to be selfish and take her away from her family for a man. So were trying to figure it out but he said that bottom line, if he had to, he would move here and just asked for me to be patient because he would have to figure out what to do with his house and family and such. 

So, it was hard, really hard, and the distance made me nasty sometimes but we always figured it out and I would rather be far away and with him, than right next to anyone else. He was unequivocally my match in every way… God had finally given me my soulmate and he agreed. He was always soooo over the top; everyday telling me I’m gorgeous, he couldn’t image his life without me, I’m his soulmate, hes going to marry me, it’s him and I against the world, we’re a team and we’re going to get old and mean together lol  

Then last week he goes pretty silent. I immediately start feeling insecure bc he has been so over the top all this time. When I text him I get short answers, and he’s showing me ZERO love (no i love yous, no ‘baby’ nothing) I knew he went to the doctors bc he had a stomach ache so I left him alone. The next day, the same thing. So I ask him whats wrong he says “I can’t talk about it, I need to come to terms with it myself first” Of course, I freak out but I give him until the next day and then tell him I need to know. So, of course, when he tells me he has kidney stones I’m relieved and pissed off! How dare you freak me out like that for kidney stones!! So now I’m pissed….. I go off on him and ask him what his deal is, why he’s being an ass? I get it sucks but no reason to act like that! He doesn’t respond. Next day I text him… what’s going on with you? Do you just not want me anymore? And he responds with something to the effect of “Idk…. I just have a lot going on right now I need to come to terms with everything.” and of course, again, I lose it! Eventually he tells me he has diabetes. 1 – why didn’t he tell me? 2 – why get me so upset with you and make me act crazy instead of giving me a chance to be there for you? 

So, I respond letting him that’s really awful but I knows tons of ppl with diabetes and they are fine, it’s just a life style change and I’m here for him. He’s still being a dick and so dramatic talking about fuck his life and everything, he quit his job, is treating me like I’m nothing to him (still not one I love you) so I’m mad…. I’m hurt. I thought it was me and you against the world? I thought we were a team? I get that this is awful and you weren’t expecting it, but you’re stronger than this… He says he knows he just has to come to terms with it (again with the ‘coming to terms’… wtf?) so to me (im not there with him, im 800 miles away so it’s different. I have no idea whats going on unless he tells me and he’s pushing me away) so to me, if he really loved me like he said he did, and he really wanted to marry me, and he meant that we were a team, he wouldn’t be pushing me away. I understand it’s hard but come on…. so I ask him over and over… what do you want from me? He wont answer so I make it as clear as possible (i don’t want to keep sticking around if he really is just trying to get rid of me, just tell me) so you want me to leave you alone? You want us to be done? He says “I need to do this alone and not worry about making you happy while Im so unhappy. I need to come to terms with this and fight it alone” So just to be sure (bc I don’t want to be the dick gf that rolls out on her bf the second something goes wrong) I ask him… so you want me to leave you alone? You want me to move on and find someone else? He says what he said the first time over again. 

I’m broken. I’m pissed. I can’t control myself. I go off on him! And then I tell him fine…. if this was all fake, then I’m done. I need to delete his contact info bc I can’t be his friend. I spend the next couple days crying all day (I really, genuinely thought that this man was my ‘one’ I allowed myself to believe the things he told me and that we were a team…. I’m shattered) Finally Friday night, I’m drunk in my bedroom, and decide to look on snap chat (bad idea) he’s never on there so I thought it was pretty safe, and I see that he posted a snap of himself getting a ‘fuck cancer’ tattoo and I literally lost my mind. I called him and went off for 2 hours on him.

He has skin cancer as well as diabetes. 

I’m so broken… this is not fair, he said it was me and him against everything and when the first real life situation happens, he threw us away. I’m scared, and sad and mad and I just let him have it. He said nobody knows, he wants to do it alone and just  can’t bring me into his mess. I told him that when I told him I loved him… I actually meant it and it’s not okay for him to make this decision for me. He didn’t give me a chance to be there for him, he just threw everything away.

So he turned it on me saying I deleted him and blah blah…. that he never answered me when I asked him am I single? are we done. Well, to me, not answering is an answer. And I never would have put all that on him anyways had I known what was happening. He made me be this nasty selfish bitch bc he didn’t even tell me! 

He’s having surgery on Thursday and I offered to take a flight down to be with him. He said no. He said he’d let me know how it goes. Then I’m crying…. I love him so much and he tells me this and I miss him on top of everything. So he said how about he calls me tomorrow when I’m not drunk and it’s not 2am and we can talk.

He never called. 

I see him looking at my snaps so I know he’s up and lucid. 

I don’t know what to do. I get that he’s going through a lot and people handle things differently but I’ve never been so hurt or mad or sad in my entire life. I keep having to get up and go cry in the bathroom at work. 

I mean, I’m not there so I have no choice but to respect him wanting to do it alone. But IDK where my head is….. I did a lot of research and I feel pretty confident that he will be okay. But since he threw me on this roller coaster Idk what to do…. On one hand, if he really loved me the way he said he did, he would want me with him and not throw this away. On hte other hand, I’ve known a lot of people going through cancer to know they all handle it differently and maybe he just literally cannot handle me right now. (but he’s out getting a tattoo and spending time with his friend so idk) 

Idk if I should try to move on. That sounds dumb to ever write bc it makes it sounds like it’s even an option. I can’t put into words what this man means to me…. he is everything. He’s my home and I can’t even imagine a future without him. I’ve never been hurt over a break up before, not like this. Usually something is wrong that causes a breakup and I can see that it happened for a reason. something better is planned for me. But not this time…. there’s nothing better for me, he’s it. 

I’m so scared that he’s not strong enough to do this alone…. he’s the type that needs emotional support because he gets super depressed and upset and i don’t want him to give up. 

I know I need to be selfless and just let him do what he needs to do without putting my sadness on him…. but this is so hard. I don’t know how to act or not act…. He wants to do it alone but I want to to know whats going on… It’s killing me. I love him so much and going from 8 months or being so over the top, so much love, all day everyday, to nothing. It’s shattered my heart and I just need him. Idk what to do….. 

2 thoughts on “Shattered”

  1. Diabetes is very scary. You can go blind, lose your feet and/or legs. Die. That is probably what he’s trying to come to terms with . Honey, be KIND to him. Don’t jump on him while he’s so scared. Be gently loving and BE there for him. Don’t ask him to meet your needs right now. He can’t. Be his Angel. Watch over him quietly and with whispers and prayers. Send him love, he needs it. But gently. I hope that makes sense.

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