30 questions for self discovery pt.1

         Q U E S T I O N S – F O R – S E L F – D I S C O V E R Y 

 

1. How do I feel at the moment?

I feel fine, I work tomorrow so that is hanging over me though. I just paid some bills and got some more weed so that feels good. We deep cleaned the apartment yesterday so that feels good today too.  

2. What do I need more of in my life?

I need more money, I am afraid I wont have enough for rent in a few weeks. I need more activities/small hobbies to get into. I need more sex. I need more clothes

3. What would make me happy right now?

If my boyfriend landed a job soon so we could stop stressing about money so much, I’ve been the only one bringing in money for awhile now. I don’t mind it I just don’t want to worry about bills. 

4. What is going right in my life?

My work is great, I am making the most I have ever made and that feels awesome. I am living in my first apartment that is mine, which is exciting, but also scary! My boyfriend and I are doing well and that makes me happy. All my pets are happy and healthy so I must be doing something right lol..

5. What am I grateful for? List at least 10

1. My family, they are always there for me no matter what. 

2. My boyfriend, he keeps me sane. He keeps me laughing. 

3. My pets, I love them so much!

4. My job, I have it easier than I ever have because I feel like I finally stood up for myself. My bosses are super sweet and take good care of me. 

5. For my home, food and car. Many people struggle everyday and don’t have them.

6. For weed, it helps me distress, helps me eat, helps me stop the worry, helps me when I feel sick and just puts me in a good mood instantly. Grateful that it is legal where I live and literally 2 mins down the road from my apartment. 

7. TV and music I am a huge binge watcher and there is nothing better than smoking and listening so a song. nothing. 

8. For all the places and vacations I have been on. I have seen the grand canyon, mt Rushmore, hoover dam, Daytona beach, Devils tower, Yellowstone, Mayan ruins, Swam with sting rays and dolphins, Disney land&world, Universal Studios, Ceder Point, Silver wood, Grand Cayman islands, Mexico, and snorkeled in Honduras (many more)

9. Orgasms, sneezes, massages, chiropractors and laughter because that shit feels good. 

10. For my life, that I was born with 10 finger and 10 toes and I am healthy! A blessing that is over looked far too much. 

6. When did I experience joy this week?

When I was with Parker the boy I nanny, he is almost two and is soaking up new words like a sponge so he is saying the cutest stuff and doing the cutest stuff lately. 

Also on mothers day, we spent the day out at my parents house and gave my mom gifts, played games, watched movies and ate a nice steak dinner that my dad cooked. It was a peaceful, happy day. 

7. List all my small victories and successes

I made the varsity swim freshman year and was only like 2 seconds away from making it to districts in the 50

I was prom queen 

I have my own apartment after years of living with other people, something I never thought would happen

I went to school and finished with my Phlebotomist Assistant Certification. 

I have high ratings and many families under my belt as a nanny. (hope to have an in-home daycare one day)

8. What is bothering me? Why?

My sex life. I need to make an appointment for birth control but the days I have off of work never line up with whats open at the doctors. So my boyfriend and I have gone months without having sex. We do other things but it becomes super routine. It also bothers me because I am struggling with opening up more in bed. I’m like this closet freak but I have this deep insecurity with my face during sex and how my voice sounds. Now it’s awkward because whoever I have had sex with probably thinks I’m such a freak! It’s so humiliating because they probably compare me to who they’ve been with or who they are with. Makes me wonder, maybe that’s the reason I’m so easy to leave and why I have never been chased or fought for in my life. Even by a cheater who fucked up. Such a worthless feeling.    

My boyfriend used to have a very very good paying job at Boeing but when I was first dating him he was going through like a depression over how much he hated it and he ended up losing the job and is now pursuing a job as a twitch streamer playing League of Legends. So far he’s made about 500$ in a little over a week. It’s slowly growing and becoming what hes always wanted it to be. It’s great to watch him do what he loves and what he is good at, but I cant help but day dream about the life we would be living now if he just kept that job.. Not to mention the struggles we have faced to get to where he is now. This has been almost a full year of starting up this stream and its just now starting to take off. I’m just over struggling to pay bills already. I just want him to bring in reliable and consistent money. I want him to have medical insurance too. 

The stream is also hard on me because he has to dedicate all of his time to it. I hate coming home from work to someone who is half ass listening to me because they are on the computer that they’ve been on ALL day. Makes me feel like a chore that needs to get taken care of, it makes me feel like I am going on and on to the point where I hate the sound of my own voice. Makes me feel like that’s all I do or am known for is to over vent about all my irrelevant daily shit that nobody cares about. I want to do and talk about other stuff. We have just fallen into this boring daily routine of me going to work while he streams, then I come home he tries to say how was your day while playing his game so he can only focus so much even though hes trying. It’s the worst when I say something I think is funny and we start laughing and then I realize he’s laughing at someone on the stream hes talking too. UGGHH :/  

9. What are my priorities at the moment? 

I want to get our car insurance set up so that T can get his application for UberEats done so we can start bringing in more money. 

I need to get a lunch ready for work tomorrow

We need to fold and hang up a few loads of laundry that are laying around in a piles getting wrinkly.. 

Go through all my bills and make sure they are all getting paid on time and are up to date. 

Shower and blow dry my hair so I don’t have to in the morning before work

10. What do I love about myself?

I love that I can adapt to any group of people or person. 

I love that I found out about empaths and that I am one.

I love that I am skinny and have never had to worry about weight because I know that’s very hard. 

I love my humor

I love my gift giving 

11. Who means the world to me and why?

My entire family. Because I have already lost an aunt, an uncle and a great grandma. So I have a fear of losing them and it’s scary because the older I get, the more and more I see my parents aging. I see my siblings out driving around or drinking at parties. I just worry about all of them.

My boyfriend, he is literally my go to person. He is there for it all the good the bad and the ugly. We’ve been through so much. Somehow were still going, I wonder everyday if he is the one and I wonder where Ill be at in 10 years, will he be there?? life is so crazy.  

My pets, my little fur babies. They are so cute and funny!

12. If I could share one message with the world. What would it be?

I’m not too sure how to answer this one. Especially right now, there are TOO many different opinions and perceptions of people that there is just not going to ever be a mutual agreement amungst anything. Ill just say if I could change one thing it would be our food. I HATE that the people who are in charge of inspecting our food and allowing or banning things actually allow all the things we eat everyday. It’s causing so many problems in our world with developmental issues to diseases. Other countries ban out some of the things that we eat everyday and give to our children. 

13. What advice would I give my younger self? (Do I follow this advice now?)

-Know yourself, know your worth

-Don’t get involved with fuck boys

-You are who you hangout with

-You’re beautiful 

-Don’t sweat the small stuff, try to relaxxxxxx. 

-Don’t take so many things to heart, not everyone is as sensitive as you so they don’t think, or mean what they say the way you pick it up. 

-Live more, be young, be brave, go do things while you still can!!!

Yes, and no. I need to listen to this advice more though. 

14. What did I learn this week? 

T taught me how it works and what it looks like from the inside when you shift a gear in the car from first to fifth. 

learned how to drive the red car because I have been driving an explorer. 

15. If I had all the time in the world, what would I want to do first?

I guess travel is the first thing that comes to mind. Laying in warm water under the sun getting tan somewhere new, eating and drinking yummy new things. Experiencing different culture and a different way of living life than just the typical M-F routine. 

 

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