I am exploding inside with emotions and things I feel that I need to say. I just pray that Javi knows where my heart is and that even though I acted crazy and treated him poorly, I just love him so much and was so scared and confused. He has enough going on right now without me adding all of my stuff to his plate…. it’s not about me and it’s not about my feelings or needs right now, so I’m going to write it all out.
I feel like I need to clarify some things because talking about something so important over text, I think has confused a lot of what we were trying to say to each other. I want to make something very clear… I never wanted to leave you. I thought that when you went MIA on me, that you wanted me gone and when you finally told me what was happening with you I asked if you wanted to be left alone, did you want me to go away. To me, that meant that you wanted to break up with me. It wasn’t until we spoke on the phone (when I went off on you like a real psycho for 2 hours) and you told me that I deleted you and didn’t want to talk to you, and I was going to disappear, that I realized, you meant you needed time to get back to being yourself and that my response was like I rolled out. I think we totally misunderstood each other. The only thing I’ve wanted this whole time is to know that you’re okay and what was going on…. i know that everything can’t go along as normal and I don’t need you to keep me happy. No matter how bad things get, I want you. I want you all the time, not matter what, forever. I would rather be with you in the worst situation possible than anywhere else. I need you to really understand that. What I understand now (i think) was that you wanted me to be patient while you handled your health, I thought you wanted me to go away completely and I was confused and hurt and handled it really badly. My intentions was never to make things worse for you and I am so so sorry.
When we would talk and I told you that you’re my everything, you’re my ‘one’, you’re the only man that I want forever and that I will always have your back no matter what….. I meant that. I mean that with everything inside of me. So when I thought that you were throwing me away….. I crumbled because it all seemed like it was fake. This whole things seems so stupid now…. I can’t believe I acted this way towards you and was too dumb to understand what you were trying to tell me.
Please try to understand my heart, and understand that I was never coming from a bad place. I was confused, and so worried about you and heart broken, I just didn’t know how to handle all of that at once. I wish so badly that you would have talked to me…. that you would have allowed me to be there for you instead of assuming the worst of me and pushing me away. But i understand, (and I hope that you do too) that people react to situations differently and had I been clued in, my reaction would have been completely different. And maybe if I wasn’t 1000 miles away, your reaction would have been different.
This relationship has been a real struggle for me from day one. I suck at the distance…. it makes me nasty and sad because I miss you and I just wish you were near and close to me. I know this, and I handle that bad too…. this situation had me acting in ways that are so not like me. You know me… I just want to love you and cuddle you and make life easier for you, not be so nasty all the time. I’m embarrassed by how I’ve acted and you deserve so much better than that. The mix of distance and then you getting sick and not telling me and how much I love you…. it just cracked me.
I’d love to be the strong one and act like I don’t care, but I still believe that you’re my ‘one’ and I know that maybe I’ve done too much damage but I really hope that you know my heart, and you know that I love you more than anything else in the world and just because I completely misunderstand this situation and reacted poorly, that doesn’t mean that’s who I am or how I want to handle myself. I love you, and I still want you forever, always, no matter what.