Realizations

I am so ashamed…. I can’t stop feeling embarrassed and ashamed for how I’ve treated him. I was so upset that he said we were a team and then dipped out when things got real, but really…. I did the same thing. This situation has made me look inside myself and realize a lot. I’ve been through so much in my past that I don’t know how to handle a good guy… the first sign of pain and I assume and jump to conclusions about him and our relationship. Who does that… that’s so awful… you don’t treat the people you love that way, you just don’t.

I adore this man, I worship him and his heart and who he is…. I’ve never been that way with anyone. And I’ve never felt the way I felt when I thought what we had was slipping away. I can’t blame him if he never forgives me. Yes, he could have handled the situation better and let me know what was going on and been more clear with me but that’s not even the point. That shouldn’t have mattered… I love him, I needed to be kind and understanding and just be there regardless of my own feelings.

I can feel myself changing….. this has made me realize a lot about myself that I didn’t even know was there.

I’m the kind of person that never stumbles…. when something bad happens I don’t even flinch, I don’t cry, I don’t let it effect me. I harden up a little more and keep it moving, I can’t afford to break down and let emotions in, I just can’t. Instead I ignore the pain, suck it up and never face the reality. I though that made me strong but all it makes me is numb… and wasting time. Nobody has been important enough to me for me to care until Javi…. if this were anyone else I’d continue to make him the bad guy so that I could move on and pretend like I don’t care. But he’s not the bad guy and he deserves so much more. It’s crazy how you’re heart can know one thing but your head continues to do the complete opposite.

If something happened to him, I don’t think I could ever recover….. It’s literally like God made a piece of me, took it away and made me find it. Javi is my piece….. he makes me want to be better and do better and be someone that he deserves. This is all so new to me, nobody has ever deserved to know the real me and to make me vulnerable like he has. This is all new territory.

He has to get better so I can tell him all of these things one day….. I’ve never prayed for anyone so much in my life.

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