Javi has his surgery today…. 8am.
Someone commented on my last entry and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I knew that I was acting selfish and crazy but it’s like it didn’t click until someone else told me, it’s about him. It’s just been so hard….. he didn’t tell me what was going on so I’ve been playing catch up with my feelings. He handled it awfully…. really horrible. But it doesn’t matter… bottom line is, he’s going through something really scary and I love him so no matter how he handled it or how badly I’m scared or hurt, I need to be there for him. He’s still being completely indifferent to me, but that’s fine.
Yesterday I decided that I know him better…. he says he wants to do it alone but he keeps telling me little things like he wants me to ask. So I made an executive decision and texted him…. I kept it simple and told him that I was thinking of him and hope he was feeling okay. He texted back he was trying to be okay and thanked me for checking up on him. I asked him to let me know how the surgery goes and he said “I will… I was going to even though you said you didn’t want to know, good night.” …….. I’m done texting, because clearly some wires have been crossed. He told me things via text that he’s saying he didn’t say when we talk via phone and he’s saying things I said that I didn’t say. At least didn’t mean them in the way he took them.
I feel so guilty and so awful bc this is not how you treat someone you love, and I’m ashamed of myself. I keep wanting to write him this big long text trying to explain myself and apologizing for how I’ve acted but I stop myself because again, this isn’t about me right now. Maybe one day I can talk to him about it.
Like he told me he wanted to do it alone via text, to me that meant he wanted to break up. When we talked about it on the phone he was so angry bc I said I was done…. no… I asked you if that’s what you wanted and I tried to respect it. Then he was mad bc I told him I deleted his contact info and didn’t want to talk to him. No…. I didn’t want to keep bugging him bc the urge to takl to him was so great, I needed to make sure I didn’t disrespect his wishes. I even asked him a couple times to be sure…. so you don’t want me around? you want to be left alone? I’m single? he wouldn’t answer, but to me no answer was an answer. To him, it was him not wanting to tell me to wait for him.
I’ve messed up really badly and I just pray that eventually we can pull this back together.
I have some serious work that I need to do on myself and the person that I am because I know I’m better than this, and the first sign of pain…. I struck back. And Javi doesn’t deserve that, he’s the best man in the entire world and he deserves so much better.
Everyone please say a prayer that the doctor gets all the cancer out via surgery and chemo isn’t needed.