04. Curtains

I made it through the day.

                                                                                                 Barely but I made it.

 

Ann screwed me with the IPhone, and Ipad I put on my phone account, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to pay for it, or what I’m even going to do with the extra phone and ipad. Beyond ripping my heart from my chest when she left, she left me drowning in bills I just cant afford, even with two jobs.

I talked to my mother about moving in with her, just until I can get things settled again, figure out how I’m going to juggle all of this. It’s a terrible situation for so many reasons, beyond the fact she has two dogs and two cats, and I have 3 dogs and a cat. The house just isn’t big enough. I’m to old to be going through this again, I’m to tired to be going through this again.

 

I cant stand the silence in this house. It’s making me physically sick, or that could be just the aching of wanting to hold her. I miss her, a lot.

 

My sister says its a good thing because she doesn’t fit me, but she has no idea how wrong she is. Ann was the only person who I could be my self with. All the different me’s. No matter what day, or who I was, she loved me anyways. She understood I’m different, my brain functions differently then most. We chased each other for ten years, for it to end this way?

                                                            That just cant be.

                                                                                                I refuse to except that.

But, how do you fight for someone, who doesn’t want to be fought for?

 

I miss curtains. I never had curtains until we started dating, I never realized how….homey it makes a house feel. Now its just…bare, empty, loveless, a giant white room.

All I ever wanted was a home. what happens when that home feeling, doesn’t come from a place, but a person….

 

( I’ve reread the entries I have written, and everything is so over the place, which makes me realize how scatter minded, and how ‘full’ my head is. I really hope this writing helps. )

 

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