My New Normal

Two words I thought I’d never hear myself utter again and hoped I wouldn’t say again…I’m single.  Ugh.  My ex and I were together for 3 years and we had just gotten back from a trip to Hawaii.  We went out one night and I got really drunk and somehow ended up going home with a complete stranger.  I woke up in his bed totally unaware of what had gone on last night but I knew it was over.  Not only that my ex had my purse and phone and he looked through my phone and found some things on there that he wasn’t supposed to see.  I did truly love him but maybe not enough because throughout our 2nd and 3rd year of our relationship, I cheated on him with multiple guys.  At first I thought I just needed to get it out of my system but as it went on I knew I just wasn’t happy.  I really wanted to make it work because he was a great guy and he loved me for me.  He was sweet and I know I’ll never find someone else that’s going to treat me that good again.  I fucked up.  I went back to his place to find all my stuff in my car and some of my things in the trash.  Well deserved.  While I was sad the first week, I tried to keep busy with work and going out with friends and perhaps overdoing it because I was trying not to think.  The second week it hit me and I stayed in bed for almost a week straight.  I was depressed and slightly in a bit of panic that now I was single and had to go through dating and awkward conversations and all that mess that I really never thought I’d have to go through again.  I had to now be funny, witty, charming, sexy, smart, laid-back, cool, beautiful…I couldn’t just be myself again and as selfish as it is to say, I miss that more than I miss him.  I miss that I could be myself with him and now I have to put on all these other hats and do the damn dance all over again.  I know it’s for the best that we broke up but I never wanted it to be this way.  I never wanted to hurt him like that or for him to ever find out.  Now when I used to have someone to be with on my days off I find myself alone watching Netflix.  It’s my new normal.  It’s something that I have to get used to all over again.  I ultimately did this to myself so I have no one else to blame but it still hurts.  I guess it’s back to the gym and spending time with my dog.  I do go out every so often but I haven’t been out in awhile so I’m a little cabin feverish.  Hopefully I’ll have some good stories to at least write about in these upcoming entries. 

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