I am a bad mom. I’m 29, I still live with my mother, along with my daughter, and I can honestly say I have not now, nor have I ever, had any idea what the fuck I am doing. My whole life has been one ill made decision after another. To be fair I had very little guidance in my youth. In fact, other than being kept alive, clothed, and in school, my parents were only really parents in the figurehead sense. I think, other than a biological surprise, my brother and mine’s existence was based on the concept that babies are cute, and eventually they have to move out. I don’t think they were aware that they actually had to show us what to do in order to move out. And here I sit, still at home, with my 3 year old, trying to figure out how to get myself out of my hot mess of a life.
Right now my daughter is sitting far too close to the tv, eating cold pizza, arguing with me about feeding the dog that is 6 inches from her face. And how 2 bites does not constitute “all done” especially when you’re already eyeing your desert. How am I supposed to teach her to do the right thing when I am the one who skipped the pizza all together and went straight for the brownies? What the fuck qualifies me to teach someone how to live a successful life? I am responsible for teaching someone things I was never properly taught and I am just winging this whole thing. Motherhood, my career(?), my eyeliner, everything.
My current biggest issue has been that I have become brutally aware of my lack of any sort of emotional support system. My friends have revealed themselves to be mere opportunists and shady bastards at best. My family literally has nothing to say about anything in my life unless it directly affects them. And I mean that. They will literally sit in silence and stare at me after I’ve spoken. The father of my child is not the emotional supportive type, which is part of why we aren’t together anymore. And my love life in general, is a whole separate issue on its own that I don’t even want to get into right now. Bottom line, other than my kid, I feel I have no one really in my corner, and that really sucks. Especially when this realization occurs when you need someone. But it’s fine. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right? Or is it stranger…
I may be a mess. I may be at a rock bottom point in my life. I may be seen by some as a bad mom. But I love my daughter more than anything. She is my reason for living, my motivation to keep going, my source of love and comfort when I need it most. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She tells me she loves me, and that I’m the bestest. Which is a nice reminder that maybe I’m not such a bad mom after all.