Well now that I’m done with confessing my secretly harboured love for the girl of my dreams I can get back to writing really depressing shit online.
So after stopping the journal thing right after I started it I went back into my self created emotional fortress and didn’t talk about or try to deal with any of my problems, I though I could deal with them until they just went away. How fucking stupid was that, instead they just built up until one day they couldn’t be contained anymore, unfortunately for me it happened on the first day of my school camp. Long story short I had a major emotional crisis and broke down, I stopped eating, somehow my sleep got even worse, I lost all motivation and of course I became mopey and sad as could be expected. I didn’t have that great a time on camp, especially because I had to repeatedly overcome my fear of heights on all the goddamned activities, but I did start talking to her again so I guess it was for the better. Problem is I got really bad. I must have gone through some sort of hormonal change or something because I’m more emotional, like way more and really unstable, I lost interest in my unhealthy lifestyle of video games and carbs, and I feel like I matured a lot. The problem was the emotions, I have cripplingly low self esteem and being skinny skinny pasty white kid with bad acne and a horrible Afro of matted curly shitty dark hair didn’t help my self image, as well as suffering quite intensely from my untreated ADHD( recently discovered how it was affecting me by myself because my parents didn’t care enough to get me help when I was diagnosed).
So you have a kid with naturally unstable emotions that has low self esteem, overthinks everything he does, values his friends more than himself which causes him to think he’s not good enough or them so lives in fear of the hating him, in love, going through puberty, gets bullied and has been repressing his emotions and regrets for three years because he can’t even talk to his family about his issues, oh and also he has to finish all of his schoolwork, learn to drive through his ADHD and overcome PTSD from a car crash that shook him permanently, hating himself because he has become a toxic person and to put the cherry on top he’s in a situation where he is constantly exposed to social situations where he has to act happy because “that’s who he is”. What I’m trying to say is that he fucking collapsed into a heap of emotional goo and it’s a miracle that he didn’t stay there.
Between discovering that some of my worst attributes were actually results of a mental disorder, and falling in love and realising how horrible of a person I was I decided it was time for a change. Because the person I wanted to be, the person I thought I was, wasn’t who I was being.
So yeah for a while I felt really lost and depressed but for anyone going through something similar.. Eventually you find yourself,through all the doubts and sadness, through your whole word crashing down around you. Try to have the confidence to be yourself, I didn’t and maybe I still don’t have the confidence to go out and yell “This is me!” to the world, and that’s okay. But you have to be honest with yourself about it because lying to yourself doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m a new person and I feel great about it. I still have all those problems but I don’t hold them back anymore, and you don’t have to either. It’s been a huge step forward in climbing out of this hole I’ve gotten myself into and despite all the pain I really needed this and I would go through it all again.
I couldn’t have done it without my friends and loved ones, even if I couldn’t be honest with you completely your constant willingness to support me helped me get through this tough spot and I love you all, even if that’s kinda gay haha.