I used to complain how lonely this past year had been. They say when you go through such events is when you find out who your true friends are and it is sad to say, they are right. Now, I think I am starting to adapt. However, my social anxiety is increasing dramatically. This will sound silly to some (myself included in some ways..) but I used to be known for my nails, always bright colors, sparkles and designs. Then I worked in an environment where they wouldn’t have any of it. Boring colors only. I got used to it. Then since surgery, i.e. for the past year, I haven’t really had nails. I took them off at one point, then I got them done again and went back to neutrals, dark greys and I even tried black. This last time, I was headed to California so I was sure this was the old me coming back. I picked out, what I thought would be coral, instead turned out to be bright pink, with the hombre effect of gold sparkles fading downward. To my surprise, I didn’t like them! I was shocked. My sister and everyone around loved them but I didn’t. I kept thinking they were so loud and obnoxious. And don’t get me wrong, they WERE pretty, I just didn’t want to draw attention anymore… I kept them because I am not the type to ask to have them redone and I didn’t have the money to do them again any time soon so it was what it was. I continued to get compliments and always politely said thank you but they never grew on me. I was surprised, I thought surely they would after a few days but nope, they never did. So today, I was ssoo excited to get them done and this time, I just wanted grey. No sparkles (though that would’ve been pretty!), no design, no nothing. Just grey. Which then sparked a full on panic attack. Why? Because this coming Monday I have my long awaited hair appointment. I currently have almost black hair but my hairdresser has made it possible for me to have any color I want. Now I have ALWAYS wanted pink hair. And bright pink hair for that matter. I’ve wanted it for as long as I can remember. And this is my chance. No career in the way or employer telling me I can’t. I mean, if I can’t work and spend my days as a full time patient of multiple doctors, why wouldn’t I!? After all, once they fix me (and they will fix me), I will be going back to work and I may never have this opportunity again. I haven’t thought twice about it since she told me. But on my way to the nail salon, I completely panicked. I couldn’t help but to think “What if it’s like my nails?!”, “What if all this time I’ve wanted neon pink hair and what if it’s not right?! What if people love it?!” To most of you, I get it, it won’t make sense. But I had back surgery a year ago and I have never recovered. When I walk, I waddle sometimes, I’m slow, I’m in pain all day, every day, and I don’t want people to know… I am not the overly bubbly, vibrant, outgoing girl I was a year ago. I don’t want people to see me anymore. I don’t want to draw attention to myself… But my hairdresser is the best of the best and that means everyone will ask about my hair. Not to mention I haven’t told anyone I’m doing it so it’s going to be a big wow to a lot of people… I shamed myself and insisted the new me might not be a bright pink girl anymore, maybe I’m just meant to have black hair or maybe my version of what I’ve always wanted isn’t the same anymore? What if I’m boring? Or what if I’m just terrified of being noticed? Part of me thinks I should just be simple, blonde and brown or grey or burgundy…I LOVE burgundy! But it fades in just a few days and it is so disappointing. Then there’s still this part of me that wants to be THAT GIRL. The brave girl with the pretty pink hair… I have changed so much this past year, realizing what is important and what isn’t. The whole near death thing will do that to you…I used to wear dresses and heals and go to work in the big city everyday and now I’m finally back home with a big backyard and a fire pit and I wear my romeos and jeans every day. I’m definitely back to my country roots where I am still very much a girlie girl in the sense that I love my nails and hair being done but I rock my camo and the truck and all that fun stuff. I know part of this is also stemming from my fear of ever being loved again. I dream of finding a small town, country boy who somehow sees past my pain and my limitations and loves me anyways but I know I have to accept who I am first and there’s this tiny piece of me that says country boys like natural girls, not girls with pink hair… And I don’t want to care, but like most people, I do. Probably too much.
*Sigh* I am exhausted..