Today was the start of the third weekend I will spend alone, not a single person to talk to, nor anything to really do apart from watch doctor who and talk to you online. The one person who has stuck with me during my lowest moments, hell we hadn’t properly talked for years and yet you still did. And when I needed someone to vent my feelings to you let me, and you didn’t run away, you listened and helped, oh boy how you’ve helped. The only reason I’m not broken is because you kept me afloat in this hellhole of a mantal state, even at times where I was so overcome with emotion that I could barely talk let alone type you still stuck with me. You’ve become the best friend I have. I’ve referred to you as the ‘statistical outlier’ of my life. The one person who I keep coming back to, the one person who is just that little bit extra special. Problem is I don’t really know if what I feel really is what I think it is, so I’ll just describe it.
It’s my undying affection for you, you’ve told me many people have said it before but it won’t stop me from telling you that you’re wonderfully attractive. I could stare into those transformation eyes for hours on end, dumbfounded at your sheer beauty, I already have to pull myself away from your gaze in those moments of bliss when you stare back for just that little bit longer. And your voice, soothing and calming, yet filled with joy and hope, just talking to you brings me happiness I’ve not known for a long time, the mere sound of you in conversation across the room clears my mind of its usual constant racing thoughts, like an eraser made from the elegant sound of a thousand orchestras all playing in perfect harmony. You’re so caring, kind and compassionate, willing to help even if you’re really the one that needs it and I know this because of how willing you’ve been to help me, all those times where suddenly after I’m done talking you realise how horrible you’re feeling, it breaks my heart to see someone as compassionate as you with those problems. Because you really are a beautiful person, inside and out and I want to be there for you and hug you and tell you that it isn’t your fault people are so horrible, and that you didn’t deserve any of it because it’s true. You are good enough, more than good enough, out of my league even. I can’t think of a proper reason for me to deserve even your friendship but you give it anyway. You’re a wonderful ball of joy and happiness and everything good about the world, you’re beautiful and approachable and nice and warm and you make me feel like everything’s going to be okay in the end. Whoever created our world must have had a part in creating the beautiful smile on your face because it lights up any room your in. What I’m trying to say is that I’m in love with you, so head over heels in love that even now, in bed at 11 at night I still can’t get you out of my head. You’re everything I aspire to be as a person and I adore you immensely.
But I haven’t told you, not because of any proper reasons, but because I can’t lose you. Every day at school when I feel like I can’t take it any more, when I feel so utterly useless because I can’t even sit still for a full minute or concentrate in class, when I feel like I can’t go on I think of you. Because through losing my friends, my hobbies, my family, my identity, I haven’t lost you, you’ve stayed. So Kiara, I love you, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone else, I would sacrifice anything for you to feel the same, I think about you every day and crave to have your companionship more than anything else in the world, and for that reason, I’m the most scared I’ve ever been in my life, I’m sorry that I can’t tell you, not now anyway.