Fuck

Fuck, that’s all I can really use to describe how I’m feeling, I’m really suffering from my ADHD currently and have been over the past few days. It’s like the power supply to my brain has gone haywire.

The problems

1. Overthinking –  Something it didn’t know was associated with ADHD but I haven’t really looked into it much so I’m gonna put it here anyway. <– see look I did it right there, the thoughts of “what if someone doesn’t know anything about ADHD?, what if they think I’m stupid for including it?, I’ll have to explain myself, but what if my explanation is wrong?”. It never stops, I constantly think about what I’m saying to the point where I freak out and take 10 times longer to respond to a message because I can’t decide what to say. I spend so much time thinking about the implications of things I’m doing, ‘will this offend them?’, ‘will they still be my friends if i disagree?”, ‘is this really funny?’. I don’t know what to do about it, I feel like I’m killing conversations because I keep the person waiting. Well unless I’m doing the other things

2. Inability to hold back emotions – I just cant do it sometimes, I’m so fucking impulsive and I overshare so much. I really want to be able to hold back and control my emotions properly but they just leak out of me any time someone tries to poke holes, even if I don’t really want to tell them. It’s like I’m too full of emotion, I feel like I could burst at any moment and sometimes I lose it completely, I’ll fall into a state of rage, or depression and all logical thought will escape my head, the emotions completely take control. I cry and break stuff, I overshare to people for no apparent reason and I come close to saying/doing very regrettable shit to people. I feel like it’s only a matter of time until I really fuck up.

3. Hyperactivity – I have so much energy sometimes, and then I use it all up and become an unmotivated tired mess. It’s one or the other, no grey area, I’m either over or underactive, either way it makes things like school hell for me, and when it gets paired with overthinking and losing control of my emotions I become a completely different person, so unapproachable and volatile.

Now I’m going to vent some shit I’ve been thinking about recently.

Why are my chats with you becoming so awkward? I thought I could talk to you fine but I feel like I’m constantly making you salvage a shitty conversation and that you’re only doing it anyway because you feel sad for me.

Why was I such an ass-hole in the past, I did so much regrettable shit, and I kind of know why but it still puzzles me how I could make such bad decisions. I broke up with a girl I still had feelings for (like a massive fucking coward I might add) because I couldn’t stand up for you when I got ridicule from my friends. I was such a shitty guy, gutless and fake, I didn’t stand up for people who needed it, I pushed people away who were good influences on me, I treated people like dirt under my shoe and for what? So I could hate myself in a few years, so I could feel like I wasted so much of my life, to feel like I didn’t deserve to live anymore? What the fuck was I thinking, I dropped everything I believed in because I couldn’t deal with some ass-holes at school. I would gladly get beat up for defending my beliefs now, I would go through all the bullying and harassment and shame and self hate three more times over for my friends. But somehow I lost that drive, and it was unhealthy, I was unhealthy. So I just buckled, I didn’t want anyone to leave me again so I ended up leaving them, so afraid of experiencing it all again that I became the exact thing I thought I was running away from, and when I realised what I was doing I wont lie a little part of me died inside. All those people who had done NOTHING WRONG, they didn’t do fucking shit to you Liam and you threw all their support and kindness back in their faces because you were too much of a fuckhead to realise that they were your friends too. That’s all you did for three years, maybe more, but for three years you were the worst version of yourself you’ve ever been. HOW CAN I NOT HATE MYSELF FOR THAT? How much forgiveness can one person really deserve? But I got it anyway, I feel dirty, why do i get off scot-free for doing all that horrible shit? Why hasn’t anyone told me how terrible I’ve been to them? Have people just accepted I’m cancerous and volatile? I don’t know the answers to these questions but I ask them to myself every day and it hurts, it hurts so bad and I want it to all go away but it never will, I’ll carry some of these regrets for years to come, and I fear I’ll never make up for what I’ve done, and never be able to earn back peoples respect.

 

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