Hope Is For Suckers

 

Dear to whoever

I made it through the day, I must have said I’m fine thanks and I’m fine thank you at lest thirty something times…and I didn’t mean it once. I feel hopeless, depressed angry, and most of all..I’m scared, part of e just wants to end it but then I think of Seb, D, Cammy, Macey. I can’t do this, I just can’t do this anymore, I just want to go. My own parents aint happy with me, I can’t really call them parents because when I need them the most their never there for me. All we do is fight and argue, I grow up without motherly love. Yes my mom wanted  children for years, she would always look after other people kids. Then when I came along…..I mean it was good..till I hit the age of eleven. She was no longer there for me, I had to go up on my own, she was always too busy to have time for me. And if she did, all we would do is fight. I couldn’t tell her things because she won’t understand, I was bullied yet she wasn’t there. When I was beat till the point were I couldn’t stand up on my own, she still never came. I had to learn to make my own decision, I would always feel that emptiness and pain when I would see children my age running to their mothers arms giving them gifts. Showing them what they’ve done, but when I trued around she wasn’t there. She was busy settling other family matters, I would spend so much time on her mothers day gift only to see that she either never wears it or it’s in the bin. I’ve stopped giving her mothers day gifts, I mean why celebrate something you don’t have. I’m seating here trying to do my homework, but all I can think of is the nasty comments that were made to me by the people I called friends. Only to come home fall o my bed from all  the stress, but I get no peace. Mum comes in yelling at me to stop being lazy and all sorts of stuff, will I ever have a loving and understanding mum like those kids. I always say I’m fine but really I’m broken inside. All of a sudden the people you love decide to leave, your left there once again heart broken, it’s like a never ending cycle. They come and go, WILL I EVERY BE ABLE TO FEEL HAPPY. WILL I BE EVERY BE ABLE TO WAKE UP IN THE GOD DAMEN MORNING WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY IF I’M GOING TO GET PUNCHED OR BEATEN UP. WILL THERE EVER BE A TIME WERE I WON’T HAVE TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. I heart is scared..just like my body. Not just from self harm but also from the beatings. I’ve stopped trying to have hope, people say have hope. Well….look how far hope has gotten me. I’m nothing but a broken and depressed girl, hope is for suckers.  I’m broken, I’m weak, stupid, a mistake… when I own it, it doesn’t make me feel so bad 

4 thoughts on “Hope Is For Suckers”

  1. Stay strong! Depression is the main reason other people gets advantage of you.
    I was a fat kit when I was growing up. Energy is the best shield.

  2. I do want to say that I was there. I was a very depressed child and to be honest, I am a depressed adult. That being said, I go on. Some days I find it so damn hard to other days I see why I am here. I see my path. My reason.
    I know it’s painful though. You know what though? That’s what makes us stronger than anyone else!

    However, the bullying needs to stop. I would go to someone asap. Tell as many as you can! It’s not right.
    I am so sorry you have to deal with any of this!
    If you need someone to talk to that’s been there and is the future of it. I am here!

  3. And with the bullying I’ve tried, before I used to fight back but that only got me into more trouble. I’ve told teachers, some of them have tried but it’s not really working…

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