Friends

(I have no motivation to do anything tonight, it’s like 11:30, there’s a baby crying next door and even if there wasn’t I still wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, so that’s why I’m writing like 5 entries in one day.)

 

I have a friend, we’ve been friends for about 4 years now, and as with all my friends I love him to bits and would take a bullet for him on a moments notice. But sometimes I think I shouldn’t hold him in that high a regard. He’s got quite an ego and even though he admits it he can still be very ‘toxic’ at times, I’ve brushed it off as I out of everyone should know that people have their faults. But I think it might be more than a fault, I’ve been weak willed, and I’ve been persuaded to think and act in certain ways quite easily, but it’s more than that, he seems so hateful at times. I don’t know whether to think its still a joke or not because it seems so serious sometimes, how in depth he will go and how hurtful some of his comments have been is honestly surprising. I haven’t built a close relationship with him and I would go as far as to say he barely even knows me, but we’ve been friends at this non-personal level for so long that I don’t want to confront him about it. Both because I can’t handle the possibility of losing another friend, and because I don’t want to be unreasonable. Is there a middle ground for this sort of situation because I’m clueless

anyone who doesn’t want to read depressing shit stop here ( but I mean why else would you be here)

I have a different ‘friend’, he is much worse, I’ve known him since primary school and therefore have grown pretty attached to him, but I don’t know how. He seems friendly but he torments me every fucking day, sure I’m not getting beaten up any more but it’s still hard to deal with. He never leaves me alone, I sit near him in most of my classes and if I don’t he makes an effort to come over to me when he can. He realised in year 7 that I had trouble with my emotions and impulsive nature, so he decided that he would have some fun toying with me. It isn’t too serious, just constant aggravation, whether its stealing my stuff, making fun, distracting me in class or just annoying me either by making me feel really uncomfortable or not leaving me alone. he’s much tougher than me, and taller, so sometimes he will just lean on me up against a wall, or put my arm in a lock and because I know I physically can’t stop him I just have to let him do it. It makes me feel less than human, like even more of a piece of shit than I already do. Yet I still want him to be my friend, he’s even noticed after such a long period of constant abuse that I keep coming back to him, hes told me that I must have some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. I’m so afraid to admit that he’s not my friend, because I’ve had a lot of friends like him in the past, it was normal, and when I realised it wasn’t normal they left and I was alone. I don’t want to be alone, never again.

One thought on “Friends”

  1. You’re not alone. Sometimes it’s better to do the harder thing and just tell them how you feel. I had a friend who was just like really violent and I told her how I felt and now she keeps her hands off me. Even if it doesn’t turn out for the best at least they’ll know how you feel. If you stay with people like that it’ll only lead you to misery. And yes you call them friend but they’re really not your friend at all. So technically you’re already alone which is why you probably feel like a piece of shit. I know because I’ve been there.

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP