I have a girl-friend that has helped me through some of my darkest moments while I’ve been in this state. She’s stuck with me through all my incessant rambling, all of the hopeless, unanswerable questions, all the horrible thoughts, and she’s somehow managed to drag me along to a point where I can actually take some care for myself. She doesn’t know it, but she has talked me out of doing some regrettable and dark things, she also doesn’t know that I fell in love with her.
Yesterday I went to talk to her, she helped me out as per usual, but when I told her I was going to go see a therapist, her tone suddenly changed. She almost sounded defeated, she said she was happy I was getting help but would miss my company. Of course I was a bit confused and I told her I wasn’t just going to leave her once I had gotten over my problems, and it is the truth. But she just couldn’t believe me, the poor girl honestly thinks I’m just using her, not because she thinks I’m horrible or anything, no, she actually thinks it’s just who she is. Someone who gets used, that fucking hurts. As someone who has their own problems with self worth and bad friends I decided I wouldn’t let this go on. I promised to stay and never push her away like I did to so many people in the past, but nothing could convince her.
So I’ve made a decision, I’m putting all my issues on hold again, I’m putting everything on hold. Maybe even my journal I don’t know. I’m putting everything on pause until I can prove to her that i would never leave her, not in a million years, both because of my personal beliefs, and my love for her. It already sucks enough to see a friend like this, but someone you love, genuinely trying to make you admit that you don’t care about them because they think they don’t matter enough. I’m not going to let her keep thinking like that, even if I have no idea what to do. Even if it takes all year, I don’t care, she will realise how much of a beautiful and wonderful person she really is, no matter what the cost. She helped me now I’m going to help her, she is worth it, she is important, she is kind, she id beautiful, she is someone I wouldn’t mind spending a whole lot more time with and she will come to know it.