Fake it til you make it

This whole situation is such a roller coaster…. I was so broken, so shattered. Then I was so angry, and depressed, and sad and then I started seeing things logically and taking what he said for what he said and stop trying to romanticize the situation in my head because I was hurt. It is what it is. I started talking to this new guy just trying to fill some time (we went from literally talking all day everyday to nothing… it’s a very lonely feeling) and every time I get a text or something I just roll my eyes. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m an extremely loyal person…. when I’m with someone that’s it, I’m with them, other guys make me gag. 

I feel like I need to push myself though because I don’t know how I am going to get over this….. I’ve always been able to move on because something was wrong and I could see how this wasn’t meant for me. Not this time…. nothing was wrong, everything was great, he was my ‘one’ and I still think that he is the one God made for me but my choices and his decisions ruined it all. I don’t know if it’s possible to get over that….. 

TMI but last night I surprised myself…. I said my prayers and got in bed and decided I needed some self love and when I came I cried.. like busted into a full on sobb. I’m legit broken….. I’m trying to be strong and be logical but when I’m being honest and not trying to scab my scar… I’m so broken and I don’t know that I will ever get over this. 

I’ve deleted all of his texts, even the super sweet ones that I had saved (that was really hard) and I got rid of all the gifts (safely tucked away for now) but I can’t delete his pics. I’m not dumb enough to look at them but they are there. I opened the folder by accident last night and physically looked away and tossed my phone… I just can’t. 

Thank God for my daughter because without her I might really have fallen into a deep dark hole. 

I will just keep trying to fake it til I make it and pray for him. Even though all of this happened, I could never hate him… I’m just so so deeply disappointed that he turned out to be everything he said he wasn’t and that our love turned out to be nothing that I thought it was.  

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