Just a little bit more

That’s all I need, just a bit more, I’ve tried so fucking hard today, I wrote to relieve my emotions, I tried to check everything off my daily list, I tried to be happy, I really did, I tried to be the confident, fun person I want to be and now I’m collapsed in the floor screaming into the void. Please I just need to make it through today, I need to finish my routine, talk to my friends and ¬†have one, just one complete, normal day. I don’t want to break down, I don’t want to give up and I just need a little bit more to get me through the day, I don’t even know who I’m asking it to, God? My friends? Nature? Time and space? I don’t care what it is I just need something, anything, please.

(a couple hours later) I kept going, whatever it was that spurred me on I don’t know. I was determined and I tried my hardest with my second wind, but it did’t last long enough, I’m breaking down, silently crying my eyes out behind a locked door thinking thoughts that I really don’t want to be thinking. How could I not even go one day? Fuck me I’m such a despicable piece of shit, I tried so fucking hard and it just got me nowhere. I spend so long just trying to feel better and be open with myself and fate decides to just beat me back down to lower then where I was when I started and its not fair. How could I be so happy as someone so toxic, and lose all my self worth when I’m trying to be a good person. I barely have anyone to comfort me, I hate myself, I hate myself so much because I’m so weak. I’m so cowardly and toxic an horrible and I just scare everyone away, every time I start to feel good and get in a proper mood my emotions take control and drive me into the ground. I’ve tried to move past it, I want to be confident and persevere but how long can I keep this up? All I ever end up doing is dragging people down with me, I don’t want to drag people down with me anymore. I want it all to go away. But it doesn’t go away, it isn’t going away, how long to I have to keep moving forward before I leave this behind, another year? two years? ten? How fucking log am I expected to live like this, constantly miserable and pretending to be happy, banking on the slightest chance that one day I’ll figure it all out while suppressing the thoughts in the back of my head saying that I never will. Every fibre of my body wants to give up and it’s so fucking hard to keep trying to stay above the surface. I don’t want to say that I’m suicidal, or even self destructive but I don’t know how long it’ll be till I give up on overcoming the feelings I’m getting right now . Noone can help, it’s just me, I hope I find a reason to keep going.

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