Maths has always been pretty hard for me in high school. I have trouble paying attention and when I do pay attention I’m distracted very easily, but lately it’s been impossible to go a full lesson and pay attention. I woke up today determined to make it all the way through but I’m just sitting here, defeated. Sure it might sound trivial but it’s so shitty when you just physically can’t pay attention through even one dumbass class. Maybe I do need medication.
Byt medication scares me, from possible side affects to dependence and just the thought of not being myself anymore chills me to the bones. I feel like I’ve built my identity around having these problems and even though it might be better to stop them, these are characteristics that I have trouble thinking about letting go of. I love being spontaneous and living life in the fast lane, constantly having new thoughts and ideas. I hope maybe seing a therapist or specialist might help me. Because I don’t know what I want to do about this.
So I’m just going to sit here in maths class, having a silent crisis while laughing at my friends jokes and smiling, trying to have a good time. Maybe I’m just too scared to open up to them, tell them how I’m really feeling, should I tell them? Will it help me or will it just scare them all away, I’m so afraid of being alone that I would rather suffer in silence, do I just not trust people, maybe the character I’ve been putting on has lead me to believe that everyone else is fake too.