Roller coasters

So recently a friend came to me and revealed some pretty private shit, and it made me really happy for him, like over the moon happy. I wish I could be that confident/have the courage he has. But it made me feel like he is really my friend, like proper not pretending friend and that’s awesome, I’m starting to break free from my own self set restrictions on my emotions. Maybe I’ll end up trusting people again.

God my emotions are all over the place recently, one second im ecstatic and can’t contain my happiness, but like 20 minutes later I’m feeling like shit again. I’m so happy for my friend but I feel so bad about not being able to tell him about my struggles, and the fact that I’m not actually okay right now. I just don’t have the courage to talk about it, I’m too scared and I feel like I’m still a coward.

one day soon I think I might just not be able to keep my secrets any more, I’m barely functioning as it is. It’s so hard to keep acting like I know what I’m doing with my life, I go to school every day and just exist. I’m buried under so many lies and acts that I honestly think people will be genuinely confused if I told them the truth. So just like I have been for the past three years I will keep up this deceit and maybe I’ll be able to slowly become more confident in myself to the point where I actually can properly tell my friends about it. But until then I’ll have to keep putting all my thoughts. In this journal, at least I have a form of expression now.

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